How I Took the Sexy Out of Cooking Naked

9:00 – I begin my 20 minute drive home from Library. The sun set three hours ago. I saw maybe one hour of it after Substituting.

9:20 – I preheat the oven and throw some sweet potato fries on a pan.

9:30 – I inform the dog that he’s disgusting and nobody poops but him before letting him off the leash and excitedly shouting “Go, go Gadget Beagle!” as he runs up the stairs.

9:35 – Fries in the oven, I strip in the kitchen so I can throw my clothes into the hamper. I toss ground turkey into the microwave to defrost.

9:48 – I finish my shower with 7 minutes to spare until the fries are done. Wrapped in a towel, I put the ground turkey in a pan and begin cooking it, taking short breaks to dry and comb my wet hair.

9:52 – I throw some frozen vegetables into the microwave.

9:53 – I stir the meat in the pan. The towel falls off. I leave it, because I live alone and no one cares.

9:54 – I bend down to excitedly ask the dog if he’s the prettiest boy in the kitchen. He is, indeed, the prettiest boy in the kitchen and ecstatic about that fact. I almost lose a nipple to his claw.

9:55 – The fries are done, so I grab a sock from the clean clothes and use it as an oven mitt.

9:55 – I burn my hand using a sock as an oven mitt.

9:56 – I grab the vegetables from the mivrowave.

9:57 – I put the Easy Mac in the microwave and take the meat off the stove. I salt the pan of sweet potato fries and pick it up to shake it… still naked.

9:57 – I burn my hand on the pan of sweet potato fries, dropping a quarter of them. They are promptly eaten by the prettiest boy in the kitchen.

9:58 – I yell at the dog to get out from under my feet after tripping over him while he eats his sweet potato fries. I am now an angry naked person.

10:00 – I take the Easy Mac out and mix in the diced canned tomatoes and cheese powder.

10:01 – Dinner is ready. I grab a t-shirt and some underwear, quickly dressing, because it would be weird to just eat dinner in the nude.

Pictured: Not me.

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