My older brother was also married at 19 without ever having dated. It’s what we do here. Wecome to the Midwest, y’all. He’s perpetually telling me that dating online is a terrible idea, even though it’s “slim pickins” (no joke, he actually talks like that) out there and that stopwatch he’s got on my uterus is slowly ticking away. I’m twenty-fucking-five and in graduate school. There are plenty of single men who are also too busy chasing their careers to date right now. Suck my big furry dick, big brother. But I don’t say that, because I love my redneck brother and don’t like confrontation. Also, people tend to get uncomfortable when I talk about my big furry dick.*

*I do not actually possess a big furry dick.

On the one hand, it’s super sweet that my brother wants to protect me from another abusive relationship. On the other, he has no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Everyone dates online. There are more people from my high school on Plenty of Fish than there are on Facebook. Online dating is a thing now and that’s great. It’s just another way to meet people and it’s amazing to do so without the “buying me a drink gets you the pleasure of my conversation and nothing more” subtleties required in a bar. I’m not a subtle person. I just go full on down-home girl and snap “I don’t owe you shit!” and then we have to quickly leave the cowboy club. So I’m not disputing that online dating is more than a reasonable way to meet people. However, there are some red flags that immediately turn me off a potential online date. They may be perfectly nice people, but I’ll never know. I’m sure these apply for women as well, but my experience is, of course, with men.

“I couldn’t sober up long enough to make my screen name/take my profile picture.”
I was recently messaging a guy until I realized his screen name was something to the effect of KingCrab69. I hadn’t noticed, because I’m not 12, and unless I’m with my guys who often act like 12-year-old boys, that number doesn’t really stick out all that much anymore. It’s just a number.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate oral sex. It’s just that there’s a time and a place for that discussion and the online dating profile isn’t it.

Similarly, when I looked at the profile picture of another, I saw that the thumbnail hadn’t shown that he was flipping off the camera. It’s not that I’ve never flipped anyone off. I’m pretty sure the last person was W at the movies on Friday and it was totally deserved. I didn’t, however, take a photo and put it online as a way to encourage a man to buy me dinner.

An online dating profile is the chance to briefly express one’s values in life and a little bit of their personality. If every picture has a beer in it, you value beer. If your screen name has “pussy” in it, you value stranger sex. These guys presented themselves as horny and vulgar as a romantic opener. I cringe to think what they’d have been like in person. Save it for your blog, y’all.

Answer the fucking question.
Regardless of the website you’ve chosen, the template is the same. You upload a couple of photos, state your age, give a general statement about your body size, education, job, smoking, drinking, and relationship status. You let prospective dates know whether you have or want children. Then you fill out the “About Me” section to describe yourself in the most flattering terms. It’s cookie cutter identical, but sometimes you give them a credit card number. On free sites and pay sites, however, you always get the guy who refuses to fill any of it out.

“………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..”
“I don’t know how to describe myself. Just message me if you want to know anything.”
“This is fucking stupid. I hate filling these out. Blah, blah, blah. I guess I have to keep typing even though this is totally gay. I guess I have to keep typing even though this is totally gay. I guess I have to keep typing even though this is totally gay. I guess I have to keep typing even though this is totally gay.”

The following conversation actually happened with one of these guys.

“Hey.”
I don’t respond.
“Hey, again. I just realized my profile just talks about how much I hate this site. Haha. Anything you want to know, though, just ask.”
I still don’t respond.
“People on this website are so fucking rude.”

Seriously? You were already asked all of the things that I want to know. You refused to answer. The entire purpose of online dating is the ability to know key points about a person before I waste my time. Are you divored? Do you have kids? Do you think “student” is a profession at 28? Is there a racist joke in your About Me section? Can you spell? Those are the bare minimum items I should know before I’m going to bother responding. I’m not going to try to subtly re-ask everything again, spending two days trading back and forth questions you already had a chance to answer just because you said “Hey.” Online dating is essentially advertising yourself. Not only do you not want to tell me about the product, you want me to beg for information based on a picture, you arrogant ass. I’ll save us both some time and you can just keep your online dating grab bag.

Ambiguity.
Okay. The questions were answered… almost. This one most often occurs under “profession.” Sometimes it says “Ask” (see above) and I can only assume that’s to force me to start a conversation. All I’m going to do, however, is move along. Don’t get me wrong. I am, by no means, a gold digger. I take care of myself and don’t even want anyone to take that over. However, my ex-husband flat out refused to get a job. As a result, I need to know, without a doubt, how you pay your bills. I also need to know that it’s through a strong career that you enjoy, but that’s another section. This section is: “How do you pay for dog food?”

Answers I’ve seen:
N/A – How in the fuck is that not applicable? That is mega-super-incredibly applicable to me. Don’t message me.
Life – How do you get paid for that? Also don’t message me.
Sales – This could mean anything from drug dealer, to working a kiosk at the mall, to high-end medical equipment.
Government – Unless you have a picture of yourself weilding a gun in camo, you could be anything from a teacher to an assassin.
Art – You sell art? Make art? Like to pretend you make art? Study art? Write? What do you write? Do you get paid for any of it?
Boss – Are you head of your department? Is this a “like a boss” joke? Is it a video game reference? Have you, indeed, captured Princess Peach?
Management – What do you manage? Subway or a corporate office?
Self-employed – Again, drug dealer? Professional gambler? Do you steal and pawn cell phones? Are you some kind of performer?
Automotive – Do you sell cars? Are you a lube-tech? Mechanic? Do you work as the desk secretary at a Chevy company?
Technician – What the hell kind of technician? Are you a computer technician, a lube technician, a lab technician?
Student – You are 27 years old. Being a student does not pay your bills and I want to know what does. This was your chance to tell me.

None of the above elaborations are particularly bad, other than drug dealer or assassin and that one about stealing cell phones. The point is that you have plenty of characters to be specific about what you do for a living. The guy doesn’t need to post a timeline of his day, but telling me that he’s in medical equipment sales might have gotten a response whereas the ambiguous “sales” got a NEXT!

“Athletic”/LYING
If I order a purple toaster online and get a green toaster, I’m going to be disappointed, not because I hate green, but because it’s not what was advertised.

Honesty is the only way online dating actually works. I’m not criticizing heavy people. I’ve been heavy. However, people expect what’s been advertised. If you’re blurring your appearance, anyone you meet is going to feel they’ve been lied to and you’re going to feel like they don’t appreciate you for who you are. I can only assume the guys who call themselves “athletic” rather than “average”  when they’re actually “Big and Tall” are figuring it takes a lot of muscle to haul that around. That still doesn’t make them atheletic. The same goes for pretty much any false description. I don’t advertise myself as laid-back, because I am not laid back. I’m about as tightly wound as a fucking harp and I know it. He’ll know it, too, if we hit it off and he hears me crying over the 93%. I can’t hide that any more than he can hide his wheelchair. If we’re both upfront about it, neither of us has to have that green toaster moment.

Lectures/A list of Don’t Wants
These profiles are some of my favorites to screencap and send to Gail so we can giggle over them. They often open with some kind of lecture along the lines of

“If you’re looking for a good, sweet guy, maybe you should look where you ditched them in the friends’ zone. Stop being such a stuck up bitch and realize that a good guy isn’t always going to be the most attractive or have the best job.”

Okay. Dude, you just 1) called me a stuck up bitch for not swooning 2) told me you weren’t attractive and 3) admitted you have a shitty job. That was your INTRO. You suck at this. Time to hit the bars and “accidentally” caress the breast of a random girl who doesn’t realize it until it’s too late because she has limited feeling in them from her breast reduction.

Many, many, profiles are just pages of lecturing and ranting about how “all of the girls on here are so shallow” and “maybe you should give a guy a chance since you’re dating online for a reason and you’re probably no prize either.” I’m not exaggerating. I’ve read all of these.

In the same category is the list of Don’t Wants. They usually start with weight. Creating a list of things you don’t want in a partner is the same thing as creating a list of things you will judge them for later. Being insulting about it always makes you look like an ass. If I were 50 pounds lighter (which would be super unhealthy) and I came across the profile of a really cute, successful guy, who included a “No Fat Chicks” paragraph, that would make everything good about him a moot point. The rest of the list just makes you look like you have issues.

“I’m tired of girls who are trying to change me. If you have ex-drama, like to fuck around on me, or baby daddy issues, keep looking.”

You just outlined the problems of your last relationship for me and I don’t even know your first name.

Far too much information.
This one includes both giving and requesting too much information. If your profile page is over 3 paragraphs, I’m not reading it. I’d go study or masturbate to trashy supernatural romance if I were in a reading mood. I don’t need that much info on you. Tell me if you’re close to your family, if you like dogs, and what you do for fun. Then shut-up, because I’m not paying attention anymore.

On a similar note, ask me if I’m close to my family, if I like dogs, and what I do for fun. Do not open with “Why smart pretty lady divorce so young?” It’s not racist if it’s a direct fucking quote. Unlike in my professional life, I understand that I have to bring up the divorce when dating. If anything, I force it and just sort of randomly sputter “I’m divorced”, because I know I’m the type of person who’d get to the third month and not know how to tell him. I get that there are questions and I’m comfortable giving me super P.C. explanation of “Well, he wouldn’t work and it was just really bad in a lot of other ways, too.” We’ll save the “Well, there was this house fire” discussion for later. But both of those are going to have to come after I’ve actually been talking to him for awhile, not before my name, the lunatic.

Finally, there’s the guy who leaps right over honesty to give a short paragraph of the worst dating pitch ever.

“Well to start off, I want to put it out there that I am really getting discouraged on this whole online dating thing. Guess that’s the difference between free sites and the expensive ones lol. Oh well, nonetheless, I’m here and looking. I just turned 23 and am inbetween like arrangements, so I do live at home for the time being. I’m currently a property manager at an apartment complex, but I’m really looking to continue school and get a real job. I really think I have a lot to offer, but I’m not the best looking guy, and have a little extra weight and that seems to push some people away because they seem to think it shows I’m lazy, but that’s just not the case. Take a bit to try me out, you’ll see what I mean. I could really get into detail, but we would have a pretty dry conversation if I did that right? At least that’s what most excuses are to stop filling these out lol.”

I live at home. That’s what home is. You live in your parents’ home.

Not over his ex.
If he’s mentioning his ex…

“I don’t need anybody with drama. I had enough of that shit with my ex-wife.”
“I went through a bad break-up and think I’m ready to start dating again.”

He’s not over her. Period.

Compatibility.
This is probably the biggest problem I have with men who approach me online. For one there’s this.

“How are you today, pretty lady?”
“25.”

Numerous times, I have had men in their 40’s and 50’s message me with “age is just a number.” No. It isn’t. Age is a reflection of where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’ve yet to go. When I’m not royally fucked in the head about my failed marriage, I think I’d like to give that a try again. When I’m not reeling over my miscarriage and Gail’s dead eight-month-old, I think I might want to have babies. That’s off the table with a man in his 50’s. We are nowhere near each other in life in general.

The second issue is a little touchier. I am not better than the guy who can’t spell pest control. He’s working and that’s awesome. But what the hell are we going to talk about? I’m going to rant about books and information theory and what? He’s going to tell me about bugs? I’m totally willing to look at this from the flip side as well (who the fuck says ‘flip side’ and where do I get these terms?)  and bring up the post doctoral physics student. He mentions a quark and I don’t even know if I have the right subject for that freaking reference. Common ground is sort of a must.

Meet me at
This is one of the funnier ones and Gail is perpetually lecturing me about how it’s only funny in theory and I should not respond to

“Hi. I like your profile. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?”

because it really means

“Hi there. I’d love to meet you in a dark alley where no one can hear you scream.”

On the one hand, I don’t want to chat for three weeks before we meet. If we do, I’ll get a picture in my head, he won’t match it, and I’ll freak the fuck out and bolt from a Starbuck’s with a super lame excuse because his hands are so furry, it looks like he’s wearing his September mittens. On the other hand, I’m not meeting him anywhere ever if that’s his first request.

Finally… there’s:

Visa Card Guy

“i want nice girl she understand me i also understand her with love hi i am happy its my name with sir name my name happy singh sangar (may be many person here only-time pass ,i am no here for this )I also like to food, swim, watch movies, and spend time with family and friends. I prefer the simple things in life and just looking for someone who feels the same way as I do.

First Date

not serious for her………..”

I don’t even have a comment, because I have no idea what this says.