Clear Your History: My Funniest Google Searches Examined

If you’re not making fun of yourself, you’re passing up some great material.

Girl using laptop computer and laughing

– How to tell when meat’s gone bad/What does rancid meat smell like? –
I have a bachelor’s degree in HOME-EC… and bee tea double ewe: if you’re Googling it, it’s gone bad.

– Paranormal erotica –
“As his wings rose above us…”

– Requirements to join the Air Force –
I was freaking out and needed a backup plan in case I failed my graduate portfolio again… cuz you know… librarian/soldier. Tomato, tomato:  a phrase that totally works in print.

– Penis drawing –
If your best friend is having a tough day, use Android apps to design adult bookmark suggestions. “Suck my dick. I’m reading.” Fo’ sho’.

– Adult thumbsucking –
It’s the INTERNET. You’re never the only freak. Oh, wait. Until you are.

– Can’t eat polar bear –
It is, too, common fucking knowledge, GAIL.

– Hot actors –
Who shall don the wings in this paranormal erotica?

– What happens with Daniela and Murdoch? –
I don’t know if I should address the laughable cheesy paranormal romance names or the fact that I’m too impatient to see how a 100 page novella turns out. Spoiler alert: Murdoch realizes that if he goes through the painful process of feeding from Daniela, his body temperature will drop to hers so that he can have sex with her without burning her skin with his. Also, at one point, he fucks her with an icicle. For realz. THIS is the smut I read.

– Funny grieving E-cards. –
I wasn’t accidentally being insensitive. There was actual research involved.

– How long has Elena been in high school? –
– How many people did Rachel sleep with in friends? –
Over-analytical my butt, Jay. I can SO watch something without tearing it apart. Also, I’m as much a fan of Vampire Diaries as the next gal who secretly has werewolf porn on her Kindle, but it’s been like twelve freaking years, Elena. Maybe if you weren’t so caught up in your double brother penetration, you’d be able to pass a freaking English class. Also, little known fact: Ross was one of the sluttier in the group. Not surprising. He was relatively good-looking, loyal (they were on a break), and had a PhD. SWOON. Rachel was an idiot.

– Levar Burton –
Internal monologue: DO NOT tell your customer he looks like the guy from Reading Rainbow. Do not. It will come out like the time you tried to tell the waitress she looked like Lucy Lui, but not just because she was Asian.

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