At Least 12 Things I Shouldn’t Have Said This Christmas
Discussing my cousin’s bracelet made of her horse’s hair:
Me: “Well, I’m glad you like it, but it’s weird.”
Other Cousin: “It’s not weird. It’d be like if you made something out of your dog’s hair.”
Me: “Or maybe I’ll just cut off his foot and make it into a necklace… or a keychain for good luck!”
Discussing same bracelet later:
“I once donated my hair to Locks of Love. That’s sort of the same.”
Me: “So where’s your gal?”
Cousin: “Oh, we’re not together.”
Cousin: “S and I aren’t together.”
Me: “What did that mean? Like today or anymore?”
The answer was anymore and I. Am. Smooth.
“Come on. The gifts we get at the big family Dirty Santa always suck and everyone knows it.”
“Oh, no. The library carries all kinds of books. If it’s in demand and the public wants to read about his throbbing member, then that’s what we have.”
“Next year, when you play the game with us for the first time, just know that it’s tradition for the youngest member to get an adult gift, preferably from a sex shop.”
“Taste this and tell me if I’m just not a wine person or if it really does taste like vinegar… and salt… and urine.”
Discussing my four and a half year old niece:
“You know… I think she’s old enough now, that she’s gotten to the age where I really don’t like her anymore.”
“Icy Hot in the lube.”
Brother: “Why’s she crying?”
Me: “She’s being a brat.”
Aunt: “Now why didn’t L and L come?”
Me: “Because they’re selfish and self-absorbed.”
“I know they’re covered in sheep blood, but they’re so freaking comfortable, I don’t even care.”
I took the batteries out of my vibrator and put them in the Furby my Gramma got me.
I danced to Michael Bluble’s Christmas CD wearing nothing but a pink sparkly Santa hat.
My dog has a Christmas stocking and I played Santa.
The gift I made for you that seemed so thoughtful? I forgot about you this year and found that in my yarn bin, leftover from last year.
It’s possible that I worked on your Christmas present on the toilet.
My Homemade Themed Dirty Santa contribution was a hat I’d made for myself and messed up.
I only gave you that peanut brittle, because it was the batch I botched.
I Made Your Christmas Present Because I’m Cheap and Didn’t Want to Buy You Anything
Proof That My Gramma Knows Me
Proof That My Grandpa Doesn’t
A Single Girls’ Christmas in Photos