“I’m not lying about how many people I’ve been with…”: A Speculum and an Epiphany

I don’t actually have a gynecologist. I’m not having sex, so why bother when my general practitioner will perform the yearly exam? Well, Wednesday was my appointment with said doctor and it went a little something like this…

Doc: “Are you married or single?”
Me: “I’m divorced. I’ve been divorced for two and a half years.”
Doc: “Do you have a new sexual partner?”
Me: “No.”
Doc: ::pause:: “Well, when was the last time you had sex?”
Me: “When I was married.”
Doc: ::raised eyebrows::
Me: “Like three years ago?”
Don’t say it, Belle. Don’t say it.
Doc: ::raised eyebrows:: “Well, if you’ve been abstinent for three years, there’s really no need to run a test for human papillomavirus. Typically, if you’ve had three normal tests and you haven’t been sexually active, the chances of you contracting it are almost none.”
Don’t say it, Belle.
Me: “Well, you can run it if you like. It’s all unpleasant, so it doesn’t really matter to me.”
Now shut-up. Just stop talking. 
Me: “I’m not lying about how many people I’ve been with…”

lion facepalm
You just had to keep talking. If she didn’t think you were lying before, she sure as shit does now.

Me: “I mean, I’d tell you either way.”
That’s right. Keep talking. That’ll make it better.

Doc was neither rude nor unprofessional. It was just clear that she didn’t believe me. I’m not even offended by the idea. I’ve read articles about the percentage of people who lie to their doctors. Maybe that’s why I’m not getting laid. The one-night-stand thing has just never been for me, in part because I used to be fat. I’ve just recently grown accustomed to being with myself naked, let alone anyone else. I think as the exam wore on, though, the doctor began to realize this, as she babbled to take my mind off the breast exam. As I nodded and “hmmed” and answered questions about work, I couldn’t help but think…

I wonder how many times her assistant has heard the story about her new pool. I wonder how many vaginas her assistant has seen. Is it just, like, no big deal anymore? Why would anyone want this job? This is disgusting and I’m not the one knee-deep in vag on a daily basis. Wow. I haven’t had sex in a really long time. How embarrassing would it be to get turned on right now? How is this not over yet?!?! At what point should I be concerned that she’s just enjoying this?!?!

I suppose my discomfort convinced Doc that I was, indeed, pure as the only slightly yellowed snow, because she began to talk about how I hadn’t missed anything in my celibate years. She told me about how she’ll have patients in their forties and fifties who hooked up with some young guy at a bar and then they come in confused at all that gonorrhea, because they didn’t have to worry about those sorts of things when they were younger. I think she felt bad about doubting me as she sang the praises of not fucking.

sitting on a bench
Sitting on a bench is also nice.

Regardless, the whole visit got me thinking about how I need to get out there more and date. I’m just so sick of the free dating sites. Student is not a profession. Fill out the fucking profile. Why would you post that picture? You look like a fart. I hate that word and poop humor, but that is just the only way to describe how sloppy and gross you look in that photo. Take it down. While you’re at it, lose the negativity in your profile, quite lecturing me, and spell out the word “you.” I haven’t even been taking prospects seriously, because of these frustrations, so I deleted my OKCupid and PoF accounts days ago. What’s left, though? My church doesn’t really do social events and when they do, they’re family-oriented. My two total female friends are attached, so barhopping is out. I hate bars, so barhopping is out. Guys in bars are only looking for sex and I can barely touch myself, so barhopping is out. I go to the gym to work out and so do the men there. All those things people used to do to meet, like taking pottery classes or going bowling, those things are now occupied by couples who met onlineHow I Met Your Mother shows people living in the city and going out and meeting members of the opposite sex in person, but that’s not what the dating world actually looks like. It looks like a single girl sneaking to the bathroom of a Starbucks to send her best friend a reassurance that she’s not in pieces.

Ted’s famous Two Minute Date…

two minute date
Ted takes Stella on a super romantic date… concentrated.

Belle’s famous Two Minute Date…

texting on toilet
 – He just asked me to kiss his fake leg. I am not even kidding. I’m sneaking out the fire exit. Pray it doesn’t set off the alarm. Text in 10 to make sure I’m alive. –

Okay. That hasn’t actually happened… yet. The Meet Cute is dead, though. I’m not going to turn around in the 300s at work and bump into a cute psychologist. Wanna know why? He already has a girlfriend that he met online.

So that’s the story of how the spreading of my legs led to a match.com membership that will (hopefully) eventually lead to further spreading of my legs.

Friendly advice: Google match.com coupons before signing up. I saved over $25.

23 thoughts on ““I’m not lying about how many people I’ve been with…”: A Speculum and an Epiphany

  1. I’m sure your Doc has heard worse, haha.
    As for dating, date when you want to and not because you feel you have to. Maybe you know the title of that old Supremes song that goes “You can’t hurry love”? Don’t rush it.

    • Thank you for the encouragement. I do want to date. I was just really sick of the results I’d been getting. I’m hoping that’ll change as my efforts change.

  2. I’m new to your blog. Love it and love the way you write. I’m a public librarian and married many years so I can’t relate too much to the dating stories. But at work I have a boatload of men using public-use PCs regularly for dating websites. The only things that goes through my mind is, “Who’d want a guy who doesn’t have his own PC at home? Resorting to a public-use PC is like being on welfare.” Judgmental? Yeah, I am. From an earlier post: A guy who lives with his parents would be a red flag to me too.

    • You know, as much as we love working in public library, we do discover a trend in the public use computers, so I can see that. It’s great that people can find love, but I would not personally want to date someone who couldn’t afford a computer. Thank you for the compliment and thank you for reading!

  3. Oh dear gawd, you are hilarious!!!!! This is the first post of yours that I’ve read and I absolutely love it! Thank you for the laugh (even though it’s at your expense?)
    I, too, judge them based on their bad/non-existant grammar….

  4. I love your blog it made me laugh so much my fella had to pause his millionth viewing of the sopranos. I think the thing that made me laugh so much is that I have had this appointment over and over again! Also try out uniform dating – if you have that over the pond that is. I have only ever had good results! 😉

    • I don’t think we have uniform dating, but I’m glad you enjoyed the blog! I’m sorry that you could relate. Lol.

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