Okay, Cupid, your aim sucks.

My eagerness to date seems to be directly related to the weather. The second temperatures drop below fifty, it’s all “Fuck love! My pink Christmas tree is plenty of romance for one! Should I cook the cookie dough or just eat it raw? What would it taste like if I covered it in chocolate and peanut butter?”
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bridget jones moping
I’m pretty sure it tasted like sex. I’m not certain, though. It’s been awhile.
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Now that temperatures have risen above fifty, I’ve decided to spend my free six months of Match, you know… actually trying… with spunk. Gail calls this Panic Dating. I call it Counting. Counting is when I think “Well, I’d like to have my first child at 30. So, I guess I’d like to get married by 28. I suppose I’d like to be engaged for six months before I get married. It’d be best to date someone for about a year and half before getting engaged. So that means, I need to meet someone… two months ago.”
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bridget jones working out.
I try to keep a handle on this, to avoid the moment where my dramatic rant turns from a joke to tears, which is a surprisingly sudden occurrence. I’m 26 years old. I won’t be 30 until September of 2017. That’s nearly four years away and four years ago, I was in the middle of my student teaching, had just gazed into the casket of a child I loved, and was married to a man who… well, let’s not get into that. My point is, the whole world can change in just four years, so I should calm the fuck down.
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Regardless of the little pep talks that sound suspiciously like Gail, I decided to try OKCupid once again. Everyone on the dating blogs seems to have good luck with it. It’s certainly set up better than Plenty of Fish, which my librarian brain cannot ignore, because organization is hawt. So why not?
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I’ll tell you why not. Y’all, the Fates do not want me using OKCupid. If you follow this blog religiously (pretty much only Gail), you’ll remember that the last time I was on this particular free site, I found my ex-husband’s profile. Freaked out by the idea that he might see my information, I promptly deleted my profile and declared myself a Paid Sites Only gal. The paid sites haven’t even been going poorly. I just haven’t really met anyone that seems worth meeting. I’ve also been busy sucking my thumb and reading romance novels under my favorite chair. There’s just no time for dating, peeps!
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bridget jones with comforter
I’m just really busy, right now!
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So… realizing that I haven’t been on a date since September, I decided to give it one more shot… and the Fates chimed in, once again. Here we have, the first conversation I had, upon returning to OKCupid.
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fates
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OKCupid, your aim sucks.
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Him: You wanna play? 888-888-8888
 I was nice enough to change that number.
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Me: So fucking creepy.
– Any time I start a story with “I barely even said anything…” Gaily starts laughing. Apparently, my definition of verbal innocence differs greatly from hers.
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Him: Why is that?
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Me: 
 There is no actual way to send reaction gifs, a grand flaw in online dating.
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Him: Are you a virgin or somethin? I guess I could have been more detailed but I figured I shouldn’t say that much dirty stuff until after you text me
– For the sake of blog humor, I’m kind of wishing he’d been more detailed.
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Him: Tell me something though and don’t lie because I’ve tried several ways on her to get someone’s attention…would you have even responded if I said “hi I’m Andrew. What’s your name”? And was really nice? Truthful I wouldn’t have heard anything back from you and I already know it! Because every girl is the same on here and nice guys always finish last! Sorry if I offended you. But it really didn’t matter what I said to you because you already made up your mind way before we even talked. Hope you find that special jackass;)
– Alright, alright. I’m never mean to anyone online without reason, but he asked.
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Me: I’m going to be honest, because you asked. I saw your profile before and didn’t write first, because there wasn’t a lot of information. If you’d sent me a normal message, yeah, I’d have responded. What little was there seemed okay. I’m not a virgin, but you’re a total stranger and I would never appreciate sexual implications from any stranger. You clearly have a negative attitude toward women and online dating, based on your reaction to my disturbance when you suggested whatever the hell you were suggesting. I would’ve responded if you’d been a nice guy, because they don’t finish last. You finish last, because you’re rude.
– Dude, you can hardly accuse me of being shallow toward the “nice guys”, when you opened with the words ‘down to fuck’. I also wasn’t lying. He had a kid, which was a turnoff, but I’d have still responded.
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Him: You’re wrong lady. So wrong. You have no idea
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Me: You opened with solicitation. There is no other logical conclusion for me to draw, based on the information you gave me, your declaration that all women are the same, and your best wishes for me to end up with a jackass, because YOU’RE a nice guy. I’m sorry you, so severely, lack self-awareness.
– Psh … and Gail claims my apologies aren’t always “real.”
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Him: Whatever. If you find a guy that doesn’t want to use you out there you let me know k;) at least I was nice and up front about it.
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Me: 
– If this is nice, what’s this guy like when he is being a jackass?
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Me: Giving your phone number out is going to be so much fun.
– There are stronger women out there than I. Those women would not have started creating a Craigslist ad for male group sex, with every intention of posting it. 
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Him: Hahaha so it’s like that huh?
Him: Please don’t do that. I said I was sorry anyway
Him: Can we just start over? Lol
….
Him: Hi I’m Andrew. What’s your name pretty lady?
Me: Ugh. Fine. I deleted the Craigslist ad. It could’ve been an adventure for you. It was for a group of men and included the words “your pic gets mine.” But, no. We can’t start over. You should be less sexual with people you haven’t met, especially if you don’t want whores. Good luck out there.
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Him: Aww okay
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Him: There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind?
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13 thoughts on “Okay, Cupid, your aim sucks.

    • Haha. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I have to clarify, periodically, that I don’t actually HATE online dating; it’s just that the bad stories are so much better. Lol.

  1. It amazes me how men can open with a line like that, then get all butt-hurt when you don’t melt at the sheer romance of it all. LOL Well done calling him out! Although it prolonged the conversation, he definitely needed to know sexual solicitations are NOT appreciated. 🙂

    • I kind of hope he learned not to give his phone number out to strangers, along with not asking them for sex. Lol. And the conversation was pretty amusing. Haha

  2. I think for some bizarre reason the men who don’t do so well at talking to women in person think it’s easier online. Little do they know that the opening phrase “hey, wanna chat beautiful?” is NOT something any women would wish to respond to. And that’s just the “nicer” guys – the really awful ones keep sending messages, even though you haven’t responded. Then get mad at you when you ask them to stop!

  3. Pingback: Three and a half men: Engineer No. 94 | Belle of the Library

  4. Pingback: Three and a Half Men: Engineer No. 94 | Belle of the Library

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