Category Archives: Social Awkwardness

Winifred, the Accidental Alter-Ego

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Open with a distantly related anecdote.

When I was 12 years old, I spent one week out of the summer before the 7th grade at our local Catholic Diocese’s camp. It was six days of non-stop wholesome fun with constant supervision and I hated every minute of it. Once my parents divorced, I grew up in what I like to describe to strangers who I don’t want to make uncomfortable as “a hands off environment.” I pretty much did whatever I wanted and it sure as heck didn’t involve church on Sunday mornings. So, for six days, I was combative, moody, and uncooperative with people who were nothing but nice to me and who came from homes with 12 other children who also thought camp was the greatest thing ever. I refused to swim, explaining that I’d done the math and there were too many people in the pool for it to be sanitary, drew a picture of a burning cross during crafts, brought up the birth control thing with a bunch of 11-year-olds, and called a girl a bitch and threatened to push her out of a canoe. Yeah. I’m lucky an exorcism wasn’t involved. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t the most difficult person in my cabin, for a few bunks down, there resided two girls with the last name Hill. They claimed they were sisters and told elaborate stories of family events where they were bestest friends for four days until one of them flipped out one night, because she was away from home for the first time and couldn’t handle it. When the camp counselors pulled her sister in to comfort her, she hysterically started screaming that they weren’t even related. I slept through the whole thing and got this story secondhand and I have no idea why I remember it.

A part of me, however, must have done so with the intention of storing the occurrence for future reference, because at 23, newly divorced with the whole world having watched my life fall apart, creating a pretend identity was an apparently irresistible subconscious desire. Having aged far past the camp stage in life, I really didn’t have the opportunity to plan out an intentional week-long charade. At the time, I worked at the local community center, where I had met some of the most supportive and reliable friends I’ll ever have. They knew all of my secrets and loved me just the same. But they knew all of my secrets. They’d received the drunken phone calls, seen me burst into tears at random, and heard about the days at a time I’d spent throwing out all of my belongings in an insane life purge. This was on top of my dear, dear sisterfriend Gail, who had been with me since we were 15 and knew all of my mommy issues and details of my marriage I won’t even tell a therapist. Though it’s beyond comforting to know that these people have seen the most fucked up parts of my soul and still want me in their lives, nothing will ever make me feel quite as raw as having known so many people were just recently worried about the massive amounts of Everclear I’d been consuming. So, when the opportunity arose for me to get a job in my field, where I could work my way up, the last thing I wanted was for these people that I would be working with in a professional capacity, to also know what I looked like inside out. And so… Winifred was born.

Winifred, the Accidental Alter-Ego

Oh, the times I went to the fake beach with my color-coordinated family…

To clarify, my coworkers know me by my actual name and Winifred is just the codename Gail has given my work persona to make it clear that she not only disapproves, but thinks I’m completely insane. I maintain that Winifred’s creation was unintentional. When I got the job at the library, I’d finalized my divorce months earlier and had barely gotten all of my documentation put back in my maiden name. I just didn’t feel like talking about the event that had so thoroughly broken me when I had barely begun to pick up the pieces. Luckily, as a 23-year-old graduate student, it never came up. Even at 25, no one ever asks me “Have you ever been married?” unless I’m on a date or filling out a form. I assume it doesn’t occur to people that someone with such academic tunnel vision could have had the time to fit in a failed marriage. I look quite young as well, often mistaken as a student when I substitute teach, with most guessing 21 or 22 on an average day.

In addition to my age and academic standing, I had just recently moved back to my hometown of Shetland. It was a place to lick my wounds and, as much as I hated it at 16, it is home and I’ve taken comfort in my view of the city water tower from my patio. Most of my coworkers live in the city and Shetland is an outlying wealthy suburb. Because women are catty and competitive, my elation at returning home was taken as a challenge. I couldn’t simply be happy where I was without comparing it to where my coworkers were, or so they assumed.

Finally, I come from wealthy, self-made people, who worked their asses off for everything they have. I greatly admire this and I’m proud of them for it. So, I’ve said so. Combine these factors and my coworkers see me as a spoiled and sheltered 25-year-old who’s truest hardship was her parents’ divorce, goes to lunch with daddy every week, and has everything handed to her in her wealthy little hometown. They think I’m conservative in my views, because I’ve never struggled. In actuality, it’s because my ex-husband used to try to get me to go get him food stamps when he refused to work and had already stolen all of the money in my wallet. They think my contentment with Shetland is a reflection of my being “uppity” (direct quote) when it’s just the place that welcomed me back after life kicked my ass.

One time, pre-Winifred, I shared the story of Grace, Gail’s daughter. Precious, perfect, with the lungs of an angry baby elephant, I sat by Gail’s side as she died at 8 months, 5 days, and 15 minutes. I was Aunt Belle and my heart broke as I watched Gail shatter. It was truly awful. It took me one year to share this with my coworkers. It was Gail’s heartache more than mine, and therefore the perfect tester. S compared it to losing her son’s girlfriend, which she repeatedly said was the most pain anyone could feel.She said Gail owed it to the children of the world to track down every woman her ex-husband ever dates and make sure they know he was interested in little girls. It was the first and last piece of myself I shared.

When I discovered the beginnings of Winifred’s existence, she had not yet been accepted or named. A coworker simply told me that everyone felt that I thought I was better than they are because I live in Shetland (ironic, since I started a hate website based on this town at 16.) I spent a week or two mulling this over. I’ve been through my own Hell and worked my butt off to get the things I have, but they don’t know that and give me no credit for it. I didn’t mean to lay the foundation for a new identity. I saw it two ways, though. I could A) correct this misunderstanding and give them undeserved information on my life, with which to gossip or B) run with it.

I think it was here that the issue became psychological. I have this tendency to think that there’s a point where I may as well make things worse. If there’s really no coming back from something, why not just go with it? At least it’ll make for a good story. My coworkers are never going to shake that feeling that I’m entitled and full of myself. Why bare my soul in the attempt to change that? Finally, I heard a coworker make a joke that is apparently regularly spoken at my expense: “It’s always 85 and sunny in Shetland.” My mind was immediately made up.

Once my psyche truly fissured and I fully embraced my alter ego, I began to encourage the misunderstandings. ENCOURAGE THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS. Not lie. A coworker and I argued over marriage.

Me: “I just don’t think that I ever want to give anyone that much control over my happiness.”
S: “I don’t feel like I’ve given my husband any control over my happiness.”
Me: “Yeah. Because he hasn’t taken advantage of it.”

It’s funny, because she thinks I’m talking out of my ass about things I don’t understand. She thinks I base this on my parents’ issues, at most. It’s likely she doesn’t even give me that qualifier, because I never talk about my parents’ divorce either. She just knows I have step-parents.

S: “Well. I just don’t think I’m fond enough of marriage to ever try it again, anyway.”
Me: “Yeah. Me neither.”
N: laughingly “You never tried it in the first place.”
Me: hearty laughed tinged with a little madness.

Later, I discovered that N thought I was a virgin. I don’t know why he thought this. I never said that, because there’s no way that is even a carefully laid truth.

Me: “I’m not saying yes or no either way, but I never said that.”
N: “Yes! You did! It’s not a big deal or anything.”

He thinks I’m embarrassed that I’m a virgin. I was married for four and a half years and have managed to accidentally convince a coworker that I’m pure as the driven snow. I’m assuming I mentioned that I was “inexperienced” and he concluded an exaggerated version of that. However, upon realizing this, I’d fully accepted Winifred and thought it was funny, so I encouraged it. It’s not like I owe him clarification. On another occasion, I verified that I could count on one hand the number of people I’d kissed. It’s true. It supports his assumption. It’s funny for me.

As time goes by and I tell stories of happy family moments, I purposefully skip over the tragedies with complete truth.

S: “I think the house fire was probably one of the worst days of my life.”
Me: “I can imagine. That would be awful.”

N: “Did you know women who miscarry actually blame themselves sometimes.”
Me: “I bet that would just be heartbreaking.”

S: “Well, my mother was really abusive.”
Me: “Oh. I’m sorry.”

I have a degree in education and therefore the required basic understanding of psychology. I have, indeed, done some introspection in regards to Winifred, at Gail’s prodding and insistence that this is unhealthy. I realize now, that what started as an accident has become a defense mechanism and an escape. I recently read a memoir in which the author talked about wearing a red wig to help with anxiety. That’s Winifred. I slip behind her and pretend my life is made of family dinners and apple pie. If my coworkers don’t like me, it’s because they think I’m uppity, not because I grew up in a trailer house, in my brother’s hand-me-down clothes and have whopping mommy issues. Winifred is the uppity one and I don’t have to face rejection if I don’t let anyone get to know me. When Belle fails her graduate portfolio, I get to put on the mask of Winfred, to whom everything comes easily. When I’m under attack, Winifred is the one who gives calm and professional responses, rather than getting weepy, my eventual reaction to every strong negative emotion.

Winifred, the Accidental Alter-Ego

Not pictured: Tears

I’ve also realized, however, that some things cannot be escaped with a fiery red wig. I can’t truly be Winifred and it hurts every time I’m forced to acknowledge this when I just want to pretend. When I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I still can’t sleep through the night without experiencing a pulsing of terror and nightmares about marriage, I break just a little, because I’ll never be the girl with the apple pie life. I am suddenly the shattered 23 year old sitting in a judge’s office alone, asking for a divorce, a little hungover. In reality, I’ve actually begun to develop some of my made up characteristics. I work hard and refuse to get angry in a confrontation, clinging to passive commentary such as “I’m sorry you’re so unhappy. I’ll pray for you.” I feel making actual changes for the better must justify the illusion.

Sometimes, it’s tempting to kill off Winifred’s character, such as when a coworker told me that I’d never be successful at marriage if I couldn’t make mashed potatoes. But I swallow the urge, because how funny is that? Yes, THAT was the gaping hole in my marriage. Mashed potatoes.

Beginning Dating… At Age 25

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Many a romantic comedy centers around a sarcastic, humorously judgemental, male character who finds something trivial wrong with every single woman he dates and breaks up with her in the shittiest way. In fact, that was the sole basis of the character Chandler for the first six seasons of Friends. Eventually, however, someone (usually a hot chick) shows them the error of their ways and wins their heart. I can only hope that, as the female embodiment of this male stereotype, that is indeed the case (not a hot chick).


Me. I’ve done a little something with my hair since then.

In an attempt to analyze this behavior, 2012 is the year I’ve recapped, because 2012 is the only year in which I’ve dated. Married at 19, to the first boy I kissed, I am exceptionally inexperienced for a 25 year old. I can, literally, count the number of people I have kissed on one hand. I don’t know how to do this. It’s not like there’s a guide that I’m not too embarrassed to read. So I just have to go with my instincts… which suck. I wasn’t kidding when I advised my best friend to break the news of her rape to her out-of-state boyfriend via snail-mail.


The barber-shop quartet was mostly a joke.

At this very moment, I should be on a date at IHOP with Engineer. (All dates are called by their job titles, perhaps because my ex-husband never had one.) Obviously, I am instead writing a blog. Sooo… what happened to Engineer? I think to understand my dating present, I must explain my dating past, (post 4.5 year marriage.)

The dates of 2012 have gone, in order, from Combat Brian to Air Traffic Controller to Bartender to Landman to Law Enforcement to Analyst to Engineer. The following are my initial sarcastic claims to what was wrong with those whom I rejected.

Combat Brian: wore silver board shorts and flip-flops (are you fucking kidding me?) and had a comb-over at age 30.

Air Traffic Controller: had oddly placed ears and texted too damned often for anyone without a vagina

Law Enforcement: was 4 foot 9 inches tall (5’6″ in actuality)

Analyst: introduced himself as ‘Doc’, because someone called him that seven years ago and nicknames are neat-o.

Each of these things truly bothered me and were my original reasons for denying a second date. Gail couldn’t believe I’d actually turn a man down because of his shorts (I could see my reflection in them, I swear) and a comb over. The entire discussions were near identical to the aforementioned Chandler’s frustration with a woman who’s head was “like a satellite dish”. Are these real and legitimate reasons for not being with someone? Am I actually a person who would refuse to see a man again because of his ears? Is that even a thing?

Thank God, himself, the answer to the above questions is no. I’m not shallow enough to stop talking to a man because he’s only a half inch taller than me if he’s a great guy. I’m not going to shoot someone down over a silly nickname. I, however, am going to only notice the annoying surface things until I’ve ranted enough, while defending myself to Gail, to get to the deeper core of what was wrong with these guys. The superficial crap was funny and I can’t deal with adult emotions, as I’ve expressed in previous blogs. Thankfully (I guess?), each man had some true flaw.

Combat Brian – told me my marriage was a bouncy castle (the actual wording was “There is no way your marriage was worse than mine.”)

Air Traffic Controller – told me I was an idiot if I bought a bicycle under $2,000 and tried to convince me there was no God… also told a story about being pissed off when he ran over a cat and it messed up his bike wheel

Bartender – was leading me on as some sort of validation of self and claimed he didn’t mean it that way

Landman – wasn’t interested, but didn’t say so until after texting me for three days after the initial date (eye roll)

Law Enforcement – had completely lost faith in people due to his title and thought there was no improvement for anyone… used my phone number to solicit some kind of workout plan several weeks later

Analyst – expressed controversial political and parenting beliefs that were the exact opposite of mine… on the first date

Engineer – keep reading

I’ve included those who’ve rejected me, as it’s only fair.

So, I’ve had rational reasons for ending all communications. They weren’t for me. I wasn’t for them. That’s okay.  The issue I’m still working on, however, really is not with the men. Every first and only date has a deal breaker by definition, even if that’s just the famous “he’s just not that into you” and that’s fine. I’ve gotten fairly good at taking rejection in the last year. In fact, I’ve come to the point where a large percentage of a man’s appeal for me, lies in my appeal for him. If he’s not interested anymore, then I’m not either, because what’s more of a waste of every one’s time and emotions? I’m good at taking rejection. The issue lies in my ability to reject. These are how the following men were rejected by me.

Combat Brian – I talked myself out of a disappearing bathroom break, but randomly said “We should probably free up her table” and more or less bolted from the restaurant. He stopped at his car, clearly wanting to have that moment where you linger and chat. I hugged him and said “I’ll text you.” He never heard from me again. He may think I’m dead. In my defense, this was my first date since my divorce.

Air Traffic Controller – I talked to him for a couple of days before the incessant texting got on my nerves and I ceased responding, even after “You wanna get together again” and “Did you die?” I received a text a few weeks later when I went into Chick-fil-a that said “Want to sit with me?” He was screwing with me and was just amused to see the girl who blew him off and I awkwardly said I’d been busy with school when he asked what happened to me. He got the point.

Law Enforcement – At the time, it was the best Nah date ever. We talked. We laughed. Neither of us ever mentioned seeing each other again. I didn’t text him and he didn’t text me.. until three weeks later, explaining that he just wasn’t feeling it. Most people seem to think that was him saving face when I didn’t contact him. I think it may have been so I would be more receptive to whatever he was selling. Who knows? I thought I did okay in this one.

Analyst – I’d shaken his plush claw without cringing and we sat in Starbuck’s and talked. I grew increasingly uncomfortable and unattracted to him as the date progressed. He explained his terrible parenting ideas and told me I was doing my job wrong. I heard about his idiotic political beliefs and I was just done. Finally, breath of fresh air, I felt enough time must have passed to explain that I had to go to Saturday Mass at 5:00. As he checked his watch, I realized… it was 4:06 and the church was just down the street. I have this problem where I pretty much decide that if I can’t make something better, I may as well make it worse. So, I said “Yeah, I’ve got to go to confession, too. It was nice meeting you” and fled. It’s not an exaggeration. He wasn’t even out of his chair yet. I just wanted to be not there so badly, I didn’t even consider etiquette. Etiquette, however, would’ve involved another fluffy handshake and I’m okay with having missed that. I am not exaggerating here. The man had to have had fur on the pads of his fingers. He must have been some kind of shapeshifter. It’s much hotter in paranormal romance.*

*I am totally exaggerating, though he had very hairy hands.

I honestly hope that my skills at rejecting will improve over time. I express this not from an IHOP with Engineer however, so here is the most recent dating sample I am able to break apart and analyze most accurately.

Engineer was 25, kind of cute, had ADHD and liked to say so… a lot. He talked about how he hated bars…  and music… and television… and movies… and how this made him more sophisticated than the average guy. He told about how after college, he couldn’t find an engineering job and worked as a janitor. I admire that. I work hard to support myself and believe everyone should. Then he explained that it was frustrating to do so, because he was smarter than everyone working there. (Really? He was a recent college graduate with no engineering experience of which to speak and he was smarter than all of the engineers in his home state?) Then he paused to exclaim that the bottom of the light bulb above us was shiny and he had to touch it, in case I forgot he had ADHD and liked to say so. At that point, I asked how he was able to get through school if it was such an issue and he explained that his professors allowed him to sleep through class, because if they woke him up, he’d correct all of their work and embarrass them.

I am dead fucking serious.

At the time, despite the above charm, I thought he was alright. He was upbeat, had a big boy job, saved his money, and expressed similar political values to mine. He was mostly polite. Then he shot himself in the foot… with a torpedo. I explained that my sister was interested in engineering, not because she wanted to be an engineer, but because my dad was pushing her toward it. I said my dad loved bragging rights and constantly tells people I’m 25 with a Masters degree. I was going to finish with “I don’t even have it yet”, when he interrupted me to joke “But he doesn’t say what in, right?”

In hindsight: FUCK. OFF. I have worked my ass off for my degree and he is not better than I am because his bachelor’s is in engineering and I am not spending an entire relationship arguing that. No fucking way.

The date ended soon thereafter, because I actually did have homework to do. My frustration, however, did not set in for a few days. There just weren’t many trivial complaints from Engineer, save for his annoying neck cracking and his intentional quirkiness (which Gail and I refer to as “Hamburger Phone” in a Juno reference). However, judgementally analyzing meaningless crap seems to be a pivotal part of discovering the whoppers.

Gail: imitating me “He clearly hasn’t clipped his fingernails in weeks. P.S. There was blood under them.”

That is DEAD ON from someone who knows me just that well.

Gail constantly tells me I have to give guys more of a chance if I don’t want to die alone, so I left Engineer thinking “Well, we don’t really have anything in common and he’s kind of annoying, but… eh. I’d go out with him again.”

Then I spent a few days thinking him over.

On Wednesday (first date was Sunday) I received a text message asking what I was doing. I responded and asked the same. “Hot dogs. Enough said?” was his response. That is text message word salad as far as I’m concerned, but whatever, I’d conceded to a bit of Hamburger Phone. He then began to brag about how little T.V. he watches. Originally, I’d admired that. People watch too much T.V. and I think that’s a waste. Sometimes, though, T.V. is fun and there is nothing wrong with that. Not watching it does not put you on any pedestal. The television conversation led to him asking if I’d like to watch Arrow with him every week when he does slum it with all of us mindless drones. I avoided an answer, since I’d already agreed to a second date tonight and didn’t want any further commitment yet. Then, yesterday morning, he asked if we could spend the whole day together instead. Upon receiving this message, all I could think is BACK OFF. I just fucking met you. Calm the hell down.

I explained that I was working during the day, so just the date would have to do. We were going to go see Wreck It Ralph and I’d dreaded it from the time I said yes, but couldn’t pinpoint why. Everything seemed too small. Then I began the over-analysis I am so known for and I realized the true issues. We have nothing in common. At all. He hates everything and I don’t. The fact that I like the occasional comic book movie is NOT foundation enough for a relationship. It’d be like Leonard and Penny, only he’s not nice and I’m not hot and this isn’t prime time, so it doesn’t work AT ALL. That’s reason enough to end it here without taking into account his whopping superiority complex and the fact that he is annoying as fuck. Best case scenario, I date him for a few weeks before flipping out one night and yelling “You hate EVERYTHING but yourself” or declare “For someone with ADHD, you are ironically singularly focused on telling me about it 37 times a day.” So I’m going to skip that.

As I’ve explained, I have plenty of grounds for cutting ties with Engineer. But I’ve yet to master how to do it. Last night he texted and asked if I still wanted to see the movie since it was so short. I responded saying I’d prefer to do it another night, because of my homework. I haven’t heard from him since. A part of me hopes that I get the chance to say “I’m sorry. I just don’t think we have anything in common. I’d rather not.” Another part of me hopes to avoid that opportunity in case I don’t take it and just stop responding to him as I have every other man I’ve turned down and desperately clings to the fantasy that this is just the end of it. I am quickly learning, however, that no one can EVER end things smoothly. I’m really quite comfortable with the stereotypical male Not Calling that women hate. If he doesn’t call, I know he’s not interested. What’s wrong with that? It’s far better than receiving an “I’m just not feeling it” speech and absolutely better than giving one. I imagine, on some level, I will always date like a sitcom man. In fact, I dread the day I actually have to break up with someone. I’m a little afraid it’ll be on a cake.

Silence is golden… when you say “masturbation” to your new boss.

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I think as a general rule, most people can agree that the world would be a better place if we all acknowledged our faults and wrongdoings and politely and sincerely apologized. There should, however, be a mutual agreement between human beings not to apologize for some things, because the awkwardness of doing so makes everything worse.

Sunday was my 25th birthday. My choice of celebratory activities was crafting and over-analyzing 90s teen movies in my living room with my best friend. Because I’m badass. After polishing off a pizza together, I desperately wanted a piece of my birthday cookie that my grandmother gave me. My small birthday cookie bought from the Nestle place at the mall, cooked with magic and love and iced with unicorn blood (which is delicious). With anyone else, I’d have waited or tearfully sacrificed a piece of cookie as opposed to being rude and eating it in front of them without offering some. Gail, though, knows what color my vibrator is, because she was with me when I bought it. I just spoke the words “While you’re pooping, read my blog” to her. Normal manners do not apply. So I cut myself a slice of cookie and plopped back down with my yarn. Halfway through eating said cookie, though, Gail asked what it was. I felt guilty when I explained and continued to feel guilty as I ate. Finally, I apologized, because said guilt was ruining my cookie.

Me: “I’m sorry I didn’t offer you any of my cookie. I just really don’t want to share it.”

Gail: laughing “That’s okay, but you probably shouldn’t say that to people.”

This is a recurring problem for me and I’m only just learning to let it go, because…

“I’m sorry I said ‘you’re welcome’, when you didn’t say ‘thank you’. It wasn’t pointed or anything. I just said it out of habit. Not that I”m trying to… um… have a great day!”

… doesn’t make things better. At best, explaining…

“I’m sorry I didn’t say hi before and now it’s been too long and it’s awkward to say hi, but I don’t want to seem rude, so HI!”

… is endearing. Just make sure you say that final “HI!” way to loudly. Scream at people. It’s adorable.

More than once, I have apologized on my way out of the video store for not saying thank you, while explaining that I understand it’s irrelevant three minutes later, but I’d rather be bumbling than rude. People tend to just look confused. Confusion, however, is relatively harmless. Thankfully, these small uncomfortable moments have been my lessons in holding the apology, because sometimes, discomfort is not the worst addition to the situation. Occasionally, if you plan really well, you can make an unprofessional comment or situation even more out of line.

For example, yesterday, when I passed my manager a stack of books, I did not apologize for unintentionally brushing her boob. I almost did, but clamped my mouth shut before the words escaped. Today, when the same manager explained that the Family Talk section in the library was a collection of books on awkward subjects, such as having two daddies, I didn’t stop myself before making a comment about teaching your child about masturbation. It was sort of a joke, but I immediately rolled my eyes at myself for making that comment to a superior. I, however, did not apologize, though I wondered if I should. I am slowly, but surely, learning that sometimes, acknowledging that what you’ve done is stupid, validates said stupidity. Not to mention, calls further attention to the M word or accidental caress. Both of these are best ignored. Worse, in my case, instead of a normal adult sentence, I get flustered and stumble over what should just be “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.” I seem to think being more detailed somehow helps. It does not.

“I’m sorry I said masturbation just then. That was inappropriate, since you’re my manager. Though, I suppose it would have been inappropriate regardless of your status. Come to think of it, masturbation is a perfectly natural… um.. yesterday… I didn’t mean to honk your boob.”

Sometimes, silence truly is golden.

“What are you reading?”

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“What are you reading?”

As a future librarian, this is the one question I, ironically, detest above all others. The fact that this is generally asked while I’m reading, yanking me from my imaginary world for an impromptu quiz, is a valid enough cause for the internal growl that meets this inquiry. However, it is not my primary motivation.

I’m a graduate student working two jobs. I read plenty for school and refuse to pay for cable television. As far as my understanding goes, all television is now comprised of sexy M&M dances and Liquid Plumber ads that make you horny. It just doesn’t hold my attention. So, when it’s time to settle down and relax, I read… the literary equivalent of Jersey Shore. As a general rule, I try to keep at least one classic novel on my Kindle. If I sense someone is going to rudely pry, I’ll open my copy of Little Women and claim to be engrossed in the tales of Amy, Beth, Jo, and the one that wasn’t interesting enough to remember. Sure, I could just claim I’m reading The Great Gatsby, but I take issue with lying. I’m terrible at it, probably because of this discomfort. Carefully negotiated truths and omissions, however, are not lies.

My mouth isn’t the only place I’m salivating…

No. Today, after reading chapter upon chapter on Children’s Literature and Collection Development, I want to read something that will slowly rot my brain, countering all that intellectual growth. For the same reason many women read Nicholas Sparks, I read… wait for it…

paranormal romance.

Yes, indeed. When I’m lost in my Kindle, I am likely reading about sexy winged men or hot vampires. Screw Fifty Shades of Grey. I want to read about controlling men who turn into dogs. I’m not making this crap up. I loved Beauty and the Beast when I was little. Sexy werewolf novels are apparently just the grown up application. Remember when you were five and you loved magic and witches, secretly wished you were Tabitha from Bewitched and spent obscene amounts of time staring at items in hopes they’d fly across the room Matilda-style? Yeah, that’s apparently still a thing amongst adult women and it’s manifested in paranormal romance. Only, you’re fighting the telekinesis and losing control until some hot telekinetic man comes and helps you get it under wraps. I’m not quoting any actual plot here, but I’m not exaggerating either. I’m floored that this is even a genre and I read it, myself.

While I’m just now realizing that there is this huge following and demographic for such storylines, I’m also realizing that many of us wisely lie about it. It’s one thing to read a PG romance where everyone has cancer, supremely mild daddy issues, and there are terrifying amounts of geese. It’s not deep either, but the cover art on that is a picture of a rowboat. The cover art on The Black Dagger Brotherhood series is a half naked man sucking a woman’s neck. How does one explain that to their coworkers? While I have had a customer assure me that she’s only interested in the plot and doesn’t intend to use it for masturbation, I didn’t believe her. I washed my hands after talking to her. Furthermore, as a graduate student and library worker, people expect me to have a better literary range than Eternal Hunter and The Mating. Web 2.0 for Library Professionals, however, isn’t it. I need to spend my downtime, the time most people spend absorbing some popular T.V. show I can’t actually name because I refuse to try new things in the television world after the aforementioned Liquid Plumber advertisement, reading more mainstream fiction that is just as much pretend as werewolf porn. I should do this solely so I can make myself sound as though I have any right to this Master’s degree I’m earning.

No, really… lots of plot.

In addition, I tell no one about my Good Reads presence, fully aware that my reading list is made up of memoirs, young adult fiction, and warlock smut. It’s never impressive, because I feel I get my real growth from my classroom reading and my brain hurts once I’ve done so. My point here is that reading material doesn’t reflect intelligence. I’m no less smart because my pretend stories involve sexy magic. It’s just entertainment. But I’m not going on that rant with a coworker. This is one of those situations where I have the uncontrollable urge to respond to the question with something entirely out of character and inappropriate. The sort of thing I could easily deny saying, because WHO SAYS THAT?!?

“What are you reading?”

“Why’s your mom so horny all of the time? Mind your own fucking business!”

They won’t ask again.