… and then I died alone: My latest online dating pet peeves.

I started my very first Librarian job this week, so I’ve been less focused on dating. Here was the (somewhat hierarchical) list I created back when I wrote Online Dating: Holy S#!+, I Don’t Have Time for This in March.

Portfolio

Graduation

Career

Boys

I still have nightmares about failing my graduate portfolio, even after a semester of nothing but studying and rewarding myself with “reading for fun” breaks. Regardless, my presentation was met with congratulations and passed with flying colors. I almost missed my graduation ceremony when I face-planted into the grass in my rush, because I was running late. I, however, still walked across that stage (wheezing, since I’m asthmatic) and received that pretty empty maroon diploma holder. I called Gaily the night of my grandpa’s funeral weeping the following…

“My grandpa’s dead and everyone’s sad and I’m never going to be a Librarian!”

… into her voicemail. The next day I got a panicked text asking if I was alright. Four days later, I got the call from Human Resources inquiring about the last position for which I’d interviewed. I had been quite frustrated with the lack of “thanks, but no thanks” E-mail. I’m pretty sure my Gramma is still hard of hearing after I screeched “I’m a librarian!!!!!” in her ear.

So here I am: boys. I did just start my job, so I’m a little overwhelmed, but I’ve definitely been half-assing any online dating efforts. Fortunately for me, I’m not the only one and that also gives me blog material. Here are my latest online dating pet peeves.

Take a Hint.
I try really hard not to be bitchy when I’m dating online, which is ironic, because I totally fail at that when I’m dating in actuality. The thing is, when we’re awkwardly walking to my car, I can’t just block his screen name and be on my way. I have to actually, you know, interact with a man in whom I’m not interested… and I’m terrible at it.

That’s some of the beauty of online dating. If I read a guy’s profile and he’s just not for me, for whatever reason, I just don’t respond. No big deal. He gets it… usually. Every now and then, I’ll get someone who sends a second or a third message and I usually just block them. So that’s what I did when I got the third or fourth message from the guy who’s profile opened with “I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!!!!!” There was no explanation. He wasn’t getting his life together after his divorce. He was able-bodied and worked full time. He wasn’t taking care of someone disabled. He was just one of the characters from Step Brothers, only less funny… and that’s fine for him and his family if they’re cool with it. I’m not dating him, though… ever. A few weeks after I blocked him, I got this message from his new profile:

Him: Remember me?
Me: Yeah. I blocked you.
Him: Why?
Me: “College educated or passionate about learning, have your life and career together and you’re happy, but want to add to it.” That’s a direct quote from my profile. You live with your parents at 28 and have no intention of ever leaving. You’re not for me. Don’t message me again, please.”

What?!? He asked.

Can’t we just all agree that the initial lack of response is the most polite way to say “nah”?

Less is more.
This is not your blog, yo. If I’m in a reading mood, I’m… you know… reading. Tell me how you pay your bills, what you do for fun, and how close you are with your family. Then stop typing. This rule still applies once we’ve started messaging each other. I was talking to a nurse, at one time, and the conversation was going alright. We’d traded a few messages when he sent me this:

crazy pofI almost could not get that to screen cap and those are all him. The basic gist of that message is a lot of useless information, but some other key phrases were “So far what do I think about you?” “Answers to my own questions.” “It looks like the last paragraph got cut off. Here it is, may not be word for word.”

Dude, give me a chance to ask about you and Plenty of Fish cut you off for being weird!

The best part was his in depth description of his last relationship and the reason it failed. Apparently, his girlfriend of one year had been cheated on in her two previous relationships and it damaged her ability to grow and trust in future relationships. When he asked her to see a therapist about “her wall”, she said she would and then blew him off.

Don’t worry, pal. She’s just confused at how to work that lamp in your apartment. You know, the one made of human skin.

skin suit
“But I’m wearing my best suit!”

I have not even met you!
Recently, I was messaging a guy I felt was a bit young for me (24), but this is the Midwest and Catholics are few and far between. Message number two from him included the intensely off topic “So did you get an annulment for your divorce?”

Confused Woman Viewing Computer Monitor
Wha???

I addressed the rest of the message and curtly replied that I wasn’t married in the church the first time. The next message included “What happened in your divorce if you don’t mind me asking?”

Duuuude. I don’t know your name. You cannot ask a stranger to regale you with stories of that time their ex-husband burned the house to the ground with all the pets inside! I know that’s not always the case for divorce. Even I want a brief explanation to make sure it’s not “Eh. She put on like 17 pounds. For realz.” I also don’t ask until we’ve been talking awhile and it comes up. That’s not a fucking opener! I responded with:

“I do mind. That’s a very personal question and I don’t recommend you ask it so soon if you speak to divorcees in the future. I feel like it’s too big of an issue for you to keep messaging. Best of luck, though.”

My profile also expresses my interest in guns, something boys around these parts like. Every now and then, I’ll get:

“Wanna go shooting?”

Do I want to meet up with an armed stranger and $2000 worth of guns? Um… no. Actually. I need to go. I think I… left my house on fire.

Then… there are the penises. There are men on dating sites who open with something vulgar. I once had someone include the word “pussy” in his opening line. I did not accept his offer. Then there are men who just casually bring up their junk. I had been texting one guy briefly (less than three hours) when he asked what I was looking for in a relationship. I gave him an honest answer about needing someone with a sense of humor, but who has their life together. I returned the question and got “Someone sweet, funny, intellectual, naughty, responsible and clever.”

Ummmm….

Do you think I missed that one? Double ewe tea eff, dude?

Another:

“Nice pictures! You look incredibly beautiful! I’m Michael, recently single, confident, educated, clean, honest, well endowed, lots of fun! Did you do anything fun this weekend?”

Ummmm….

Do you think I missed that one? Double ewe tea eff, dude?

I’ve also gotten the opposite, self-deprecating comments.

“I am not a very experienced lover or relationship holder.”

At least the other guys were trying to sell themselves. This reminds me of that time when I sold generic Warheads in high school with the pitch “You want to buy any of these? They taste like crap, but they made my friend’s tongue bleed.”

Sold every single one.

This is your introduction. Make it count.
Oilfieldtrash is not an appropriate screen name. Neither is anything with the number “69”. That is my very first impression of you, followed closely by scrolling down to see what you do for a living. I’m not being a snob, here. I don’t care if you make shit as a teacher. I care that you care about your career and that you have one. That being said, don’t put “I work” or “ask me” or “does it matter?” Also, actually spell shit out. Don’t tell me I look “cute n sweet”, you lazyass. Certainly don’t open with:

Him: You caught my eye. You look so cute and innocent.
Him: You look so cute and innocent too.
Me: You said that already. It was creepy then, too.

I got a message from one guy, prompting me to view his profile. He wasn’t unattractive, but didn’t have a profession listed and his entire first few paragraphs were about how none of this mattered, because women are all too shallow to get past looks.

Me: I feel like I should respond, based on your profile. You’re not unattractive, but I’m not interested because you refuse to list your profession and your profile is incredibly negative. You should revamp it to be more positive or delete the whole thing.
Him: Don’t judge me based on a rant. Get to know me.
Him: I’m a lube tech, by the way.

On what the hell am I supposed to judge you?!?!? This is the only impression I have!!!

screaming at computer

Don’t be a bag of dicks.

Him: Do you believe being divorced at 25 bodes well for future dates with you? You’re the information theorist; enlighten me please. Librarians are my choice for dates…they strike me as demure ladies in the streets but utter freaks in the sheets. True?
Me: You’re an incredibly offensive person, you live in Arkansas and you’re 102. Those things don’t bode well for YOU.

181 thoughts on “… and then I died alone: My latest online dating pet peeves.

      • The world of online dating overall is so dynamic for good or for bad haha I learned a lot about people via the experiences haha

      • I know, right? You learn all sorts of things and really, I like being able to find out the details before I meet someone.

  1. you wouldn’t think that finding a decent person to spend your time with would be so difficult but it is… it’s crazy. i haven’t signed up for an online dating site though i have dated guys from offline (via a chat room and trust me… huge mistake! just don’t do it…i never chatted for the sake of finding someone to date…i just decided to give these folks a try…never again). my experiences were pretty similar in the guys that just don’t give up regardless, are incredibly crude and offensive, etc. for me… there’s some relief knowing that im not the only who’s experienced these guys. im sorry it’s been tough, i hope it improves for you. thanks for the laugh! this post is very well written and a well deserved FP! 🙂

    • Well, I wouldn’t write it off completely, but it definitely gets frustrating. I might even suggest you avoid the free sites altogether. Haha.

    • Haha. It’s not ALL bad. I deleted the free sites and moved onto Match.com. I’ve seen some improvement.

  2. HAHAHAHAH! omg. preach girl, preach! I just got a message 5 minutes ago from “hugeguy4u69.” YESSSSSS. I’m in. So. In. I’m on day 4 of Match and it definitely is a little better but I still get the classy “Hi” from 50% of the guys.

    • Hahaha. Yeah, I wasn’t kidding about Oilfieldtrash. Ugh. And Match sounds like a huge improvement. I even signed up for a Match event. Good luck!

    • Haha. Yeah, it can get tiresome. The free sites are my main experience. I’m hoping that paying will improve my results. Good luck!

  3. lol good read…..agree with the idea of avoiding free sites but it really is just a gamble. I judge based on the pictures. The funnier and more relaxed a person seems in the photo, the more inclined i am to send off that 1st message

    • I agree. If they only have one photo, that means they’re insecure, hiding something, or just not putting in effort. If all the photos are selfies, they’re really into themselves… you just sort of learn the tells.

    • Haha. Thank you for the encouragement! I haven’t given up completely… mostly just with the free sites for now. I love to hear success stories, though!

  4. Well, clearly you do need to be anonymous here. 😀 I have the same degree as you but do have a partner….we use each other’s photos in each other’s blogs. 🙂

    Hope there’s other avenues of meeting folks in your neck of the woods.
    Be safe, smart but have fun in the right way.

    As for the cheesecake graphics of bookish women and books: I guess illustrating a computer instead, would lead to all sorts of weirder illustrations without the nanny screening software. Did you see the Lego Librarian blog post that got freshly pressed over a wk. ago? Can’t remember if there was a raunchy librarian among the lego librarian impressarios.

    • It’s great to meet another Librarian! I do try to stay anonymous, though I don’t post anything I couldn’t handle my dad reading. I’ll have to look for that lego article. Thanks for reading and thanks for the recommendation!

  5. Dont give up. EVER. met my first Husband via friends…. seven years later sent him back to his mum (which was what he needed). Met second husband via the rather old internet chat rooms. I was his princess. Saldly he passed away 7 months after the wedding (sad, but not looking for sympathy). Met third husband through online dating -have a blended family of 7 kids (none together) – been together over 10 years – DONT GIVE UP EVER. I did encounter all those random creeps as well, but persevere – Mr Right is out there looking for you too.

    • I LOVE the success stories I’m getting in the comments. It’s great to hear! I don’t plan to give up. I figure I’ll plenty of creeps in bars anyway. I’m glad you found happiness!

  6. My favorites (and by “favorites” I mean, of course, those that are most offensive and that I hate the most) come from men who see that my profile says I am a Woman looking for a Woman and message me saying, “I know you’re a lesbian but thought I’d take a chance anyway.” And then to seal the deal, include a picture of their penis. Because there’s nothing a lesbian likes more than to open an email and get smacked in the eyes with an erection. Thanks fellas!

    Great post! Very funny, very well-written, you’ve got a new fan!

    • Thank you so much and that sounds HORRIBLE. I’ve seen transgendered individuals who have to include paragraphs about not harrassing them. Geez. Just be nice, people. Good luck!

    • I’m not giving up, that’s for sure, but even the worst dates make for great blog posts! I wish you luck if you ever do try it out and thanks for reading!

  7. I laughed my butt off all the way through this. Sorry, no dating stories to share. I don’t know if I would ever believe anyone was who they say they are online. Doesn’t seem to work out very often that they really are who they say they are. Kinda scary.

    • Ah, it’s not SO bad. The good stories aren’t funny and I write mostly humor. Honestly, I wouldn’t feel right writing about a decent guy in any kind of humorous way. Overall, everyone’s been who they say they are, though sometimes they leave out the “bag of dicks” part. Haha.

  8. This is possibly the best thing about dating online. I tried it for a year. I was surprised at how creepy some women can be.

    My all time favorite first time meeting someone went like this.

    “Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am still married and I just had a 5 month old kid. I don’t live with my husband anymore. So it shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

    “Ummmm…uhhhh…kind of a problem. We have been talking back and forth for a week and that slipped your mind?”

    • Hahaha. See, there’s no excuse for that. That’s actually the reason I LIKE online, dating, for the ability to share awkward, but pertinent information upfront. “I’m divorced. Deal with it” sounds so much better under Relationship Status headline than it does on a date.

      • Bahaha. Yeah, cuz I looooove saying I’m divorced at 25. Eye roll. That’s ridiculous.

  9. Have you considered starting your self description with something like how great you are and that you’re also picky and a link to this post. Mention if they take the time to read what you’re thinking and what you want and still think they’re the right choice then it’s worth your time and ok for them to contact you. It just sounds kinder to let them know up front and save your time and their rejection.

    It also sounds like you don’t get rejected often and don’t have much sympathy left for many people you’ve had to reject. It’s understandable, given your status. But if you make a habit of being a chooser instead of working to get chosen, then it would save everyone’s time and lead to you getting rejected more and rejecting others less. I think It’s cool you ignore or are direct with the losers you don’t want and probably works best, but going a step further and turning them away in advance with some well chosen words on your profile to help them self select would be better.

    p.s. I can’t help but notice the provocative librarian pics on this page. Your written message seems to be that you specifically want a guy to NOT think of you as a provocative librarian (or at least not until later). You might even find it helpful to mention something about how you feel about most people you date because I think the kind of guy you’re looking for probably has never been rejected or only rarely and won’t be intimidated by the thought of a critical judge. I imagine you with the kind of guy who’s typically unavailable or taken not a guy who’s typically looking.

    • Actually, I only ever say positive things in my profile, because I think it’s rude to list what you don’t want, rather than just choosing not to respond. I also NEVER say anything negative to anyone unless they’re rude or relentless. You’re reading a lot into one post and really don’t have anything to go on for with whom you “imagine” me. I’ve written many posts on online dating and have clarified in several that I only write about the negative experiences, because they’re funny and I wouldn’t disrespect most of the more positive ones (whether I feel anything or not) by writing mean comments about them. If I ever have, it’s been more introspective, focusing on how I felt bad for thinking that way. I write humor. The bad online dating experiences are funnier than the good ones. I don’t even quite understand how you find me so “picky” when I’m talking about guys who tell me their penis size and open with detailed personal questions. I actually CAN be picky, but don’t understand how this post displays that in the least. You also seemed to have missed the part about how I used to be fat. I’ve been rejected plenty and I actually think the NICEST way to reject someone online is by not responding to the original post, so I AM treating others as I’d like to be treated.

      The librarian pictures on this blog are supposed to be a little… suggestive, because I don’t write book reviews. Most blogs with the word “library” in them are about literature. Mine is about my life, from my grandpa’s funeral to disastrous dates. I’m not some stereotypical librarian in the stacks, but a real young woman who often makes references to sex or uses adult language. I also post those pictures on my anonymous blog, because pinup art is a theme, not my dating profile, where my photos are all quite modest. I appreciate you taking time to read my blog, but this IS just humor and you’re making a lot of assumptions about me.

  10. rofl. another one bites the dust. am sorry but your experience had me in splits as it reminded me of my time with the online bit. I haven’t completely given up on it (maybe some of us never learn or give up…haha) but when I look back, I laugh at those incidents. You have a humourous streak, thank you for sharing your life and congratulations on being freshly pressed.

  11. Wow…It’s just unbelievable what people will say! Will you be speed dating any time soon? That would make for an interesting post! (I almost tried it once but my friend wouldn’t go and I chickened out at the last minute…)

  12. Except for the “wanna go shooting” part, which I thought could be cool, I totally agree with all this. People will be people. It’d be funny to see a guy’s version of this, though. There must be some real clueless bimbos out there as well.

    • Oh, gosh yes. One guy commented that he’d arrived at the date only to learn the woman was still married and had a five month old kid. It is by no means a gender specific phenomenon of crazy people in the dating world.

    • Haha! Way to go! I’m going to keep trying, of course. These were just my latest annoyances. It’s nice to hear encouraging stories!

  13. Every once in awhile I try online dating, and I usually delete my profile after less than a month with a refreshed loathing for humanity. I was recently convinced to try again, and one of my first messages was an offer to “come over while a lady friend and I masturbate.” Yeah, that sounds super appealing, I’ll get right on that.

    I’ll tell you what though, if you need a laugh, the casual encounters section of Craigslist is HILARIOUS. It’s nothing but dick pics as far as the eye can see, and a hell of a lot of frightening and perplexing missives from the guys on how they’d like to have sex with the theoretical women who could be interested. I don’t get how men haven’t realized we’re not as dick-obsessed as they are. There’s NOTHING about a picture of a man’s penis that tells me whether I ought to have sex with him or not. I can’t imagine scrolling through a hundred of those and then going, OH MY GOD, I FOUND IT. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE DICK I NEED TO GET ON RIGHT NOW. LOOK HOW PERFECT IT IS.

    • Bahahaha. I wouldn’t give up on online dating completely. You might try the pay sites. It’s still got it’s moments, but Match has been far less sleazy. I think Gail was mentioned in this post, but she’s regularly mentioned in the blog as my best friend and she used to look at the Craigslist personals for a laugh and FOUND HER BOYFRIEND ON THERE! I mock her for it constantly. Haha. When it’s meant to be…

      • Man, I don’t know, online dating sites already feel like a peculiar form of self-flagellation, I’m not sure I’d want to pay for the privilege. 😀 Maybe I’ll try it sometime when I’ve got more money to spare. I know tons of people who’ve met their partners through OKCupid so I thought it’d be a good bet, but so far it’s been… not so much.

        Gail might be rare like a unicorn though, I’m not sure I’ve EVER known anybody who’s gotten into a real relationship through craigslist. 😀 I was really tempted by a guy on casual encounters once, though… the only one in the lot who’d posted just regular pictures of himself and not his dick. Totally cute and didn’t seem unhinged at first glance, but by the time I made up my mind to text him, he’d deleted the ad… probably got sick of the porn-bot spam. So tragic, the missed opportunities… ;D

  14. hahaha So this is how the girls on dating sites view guys. That first message is always so difficult for me. Granted I don’t put vulgar stuff or try to be an asshole, i feel like the assholes of the community have basically given the rest of us guys a reason to be blacklisted or something. I cracked up a bit at work and now my co-workers probably think I’m crazy. Thanks for a good laugh!

    • Thank you so much for the positive comment. There are great guys online, don’t get me wrong. It’s just funnier to write about the bad ones. As far as openings go, my favorite are just “Hi. How long have you had your dog? I love that you have a beagle instead of some ankle biter.” or a similarly unique question. That gets a conversation started.

  15. damN! everything got erased while trying to switch out of my work blog account….
    I guess this is how girls see guys on dating sites… to a certain extent, I feel like these idiots ruined it for the rest of us. I can never seem to get that first message right. It always feels like I have to prove myself or something of that sort to even get the lady to take a look :/ oh well. What ever happened to meeting people over a cup of coffee; almost feels like a job screening process.
    Well I cracked up a bit at the office and now everyone thinks I’m crazy. Thanks a lot! Definitely worth looking crazy for and getting me through some part of this tiring morning.

  16. This scares me with the world of online dating. I am not brave enough to talk to a stranger and let alone deal with the creeps who say the darnest things. Just ewe. Haha why can’t they be normal? Cause that would be to easy right?

  17. First the disclaimer: Not one word is meant to poke fun at a woman (date site) that not only has problems, but the remainder of her life will be hugely difficult. She writes- call me sometime. As I’m finding directions to her home and asking her out to dinner, I notice a voice accent I’ve not heard before. It’s not quite Asian, but unique. Little yapper dogs in the house as I walk up. She’s watching through the window and comes right out. We greet and I decide this is the way she gets food for a day or so — “OK! let’s go find some great food”
    Yes, I’ve got it figured out, with the first words from her. The “health state” — dental lack of care has caused most of her teeth to fall out, she gets extra food in the doggie box. I take her home – no need to create vomiting readers.

    • Haha. I do always feel a little iffy about a guy with no teeth showing through his smile. The more pictures the better. I think I have 10 up myself.

      • Ah, she’s a librarian too – just a story for you Belle.

        Dating online: Several years ago I thought “Easy, thousands of possible—
        just be direct along with creative. Enter preference and pick the best flower in the garden” My arms worn out weeding, at least the soil was sandy but too much fertilizer. The extreme – a 25 year old pic – still in black and white. Turns out she’s a prominent clients wife nearly as old as I am. The medium lie: 10 to 13 year difference from actual person and age listed on the date site. “How does a person decide to start a relationship with a lie?” Still wonder- are 45 to 60 yo women so starved for “into you – obsessive compulsive desire” — they want it just once — it’s never happened– they will try anything?
        I write back- could you really enjoy sprinting a block with me? the first thousand vanish–

    • Haha. Thank you! I’ve had some better experiences as well, but I was getting pretty fed up with the free sites when I wrote this. I’ve moved onto the paid sites and the results are better already.

  18. OMG! I just wrote a similar how to guide on my own blog, before finally just deleting my online dating account…again. I think I’m just gonna get a cat. It’s all so awkward and weird and frustrating and I just can’t be bothered with it anymore.

    • Haha! I deleted my accounts right after I posted this, but then (as is explained in my latest post) decided to try Match. It IS more promising so far. Good luck!

  19. hahaha ~ Oh dear! and I thought it was just me who attracted the ‘strange’ ones…. I’m relieved to know I am not alone. It doesn’t get any better as you ascend the age ranks either ~ I’m a 50+ online dater (only been dating online for a few months though) and with age the penis introductory photo’s just get blurrier, and saggy man boobs are just too much to cope with 🙂

  20. This is spot on! I couldn’t help but giggle. I will be passing it on to my friends for sure, we shall all giggle together.

  21. I tried online dating abroad in Singapore for a few weeks. Almost all of these issues came up and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore! It’s so strange what people come up with on these sites. I think I’d rather weed them out face to face! lol

  22. Absolutely wild! I’ve been on Match.com for just under 60 days now and have encountered most of these guys there. Of course, I’m 50+ so the available field has been winnowed down quite a bit. I shall persevere, though. My daughter met her fiancee online (at OKCupid!)

    • I’m glad to hear you’re not giving up! Funnily enough, right after this post was Freshly Pressed, I wrote a post about how I was going to just delete the free ones and pay for Match. It’s looking better already! At least we’re trying.

      • Not trying only guarantees that we will fail. I really don’t want to fail therefore I persevere. Good luck to you, I hope you find what (who) you are looking for.

  23. Thank you so much! I did the online dating thing and it was an experience. that’s the reason I started blogging, to share my dates to people. (I was told I should write about some of them) I only stopped because oddly I found someone. Which shouldn’t be odd as that is the purpose of the site… but I’m always mystified that it worked. Anyways I just wanted to say that I share your thoughts exactly! It refreshing to hear the comical pains of being on pof.

  24. You are hilarious, this looks like exactly what was happening to me when I was dating online few years back. The humor kind of eases off the frustration. But again, there are some good ones too, I was also divorced when I was 26 and resorted to online dating. I met my Hubby online, and we have been married for the last five years happily and have a two year old daughter. All the best for your search.

    • I love all of the success stories I’m getting here. Right after this post, I signed up for Match, so I’m not giving up. I’m glad you enjoyed the post! Thanks for reading.

  25. The most memorable messages from my bouts of online dating generally came from dudes with _Taco in their username. Who did they think they were fooling?

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