… and then I died alone: My latest online dating pet peeves.

I started my very first Librarian job this week, so I’ve been less focused on dating. Here was the (somewhat hierarchical) list I created back when I wrote Online Dating: Holy S#!+, I Don’t Have Time for This in March.

Portfolio

Graduation

Career

Boys

I still have nightmares about failing my graduate portfolio, even after a semester of nothing but studying and rewarding myself with “reading for fun” breaks. Regardless, my presentation was met with congratulations and passed with flying colors. I almost missed my graduation ceremony when I face-planted into the grass in my rush, because I was running late. I, however, still walked across that stage (wheezing, since I’m asthmatic) and received that pretty empty maroon diploma holder. I called Gaily the night of my grandpa’s funeral weeping the following…

“My grandpa’s dead and everyone’s sad and I’m never going to be a Librarian!”

… into her voicemail. The next day I got a panicked text asking if I was alright. Four days later, I got the call from Human Resources inquiring about the last position for which I’d interviewed. I had been quite frustrated with the lack of “thanks, but no thanks” E-mail. I’m pretty sure my Gramma is still hard of hearing after I screeched “I’m a librarian!!!!!” in her ear.

So here I am: boys. I did just start my job, so I’m a little overwhelmed, but I’ve definitely been half-assing any online dating efforts. Fortunately for me, I’m not the only one and that also gives me blog material. Here are my latest online dating pet peeves.

Take a Hint.
I try really hard not to be bitchy when I’m dating online, which is ironic, because I totally fail at that when I’m dating in actuality. The thing is, when we’re awkwardly walking to my car, I can’t just block his screen name and be on my way. I have to actually, you know, interact with a man in whom I’m not interested… and I’m terrible at it.

That’s some of the beauty of online dating. If I read a guy’s profile and he’s just not for me, for whatever reason, I just don’t respond. No big deal. He gets it… usually. Every now and then, I’ll get someone who sends a second or a third message and I usually just block them. So that’s what I did when I got the third or fourth message from the guy who’s profile opened with “I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!!!!!” There was no explanation. He wasn’t getting his life together after his divorce. He was able-bodied and worked full time. He wasn’t taking care of someone disabled. He was just one of the characters from Step Brothers, only less funny… and that’s fine for him and his family if they’re cool with it. I’m not dating him, though… ever. A few weeks after I blocked him, I got this message from his new profile:

Him: Remember me?
Me: Yeah. I blocked you.
Him: Why?
Me: “College educated or passionate about learning, have your life and career together and you’re happy, but want to add to it.” That’s a direct quote from my profile. You live with your parents at 28 and have no intention of ever leaving. You’re not for me. Don’t message me again, please.”

What?!? He asked.

Can’t we just all agree that the initial lack of response is the most polite way to say “nah”?

Less is more.
This is not your blog, yo. If I’m in a reading mood, I’m… you know… reading. Tell me how you pay your bills, what you do for fun, and how close you are with your family. Then stop typing. This rule still applies once we’ve started messaging each other. I was talking to a nurse, at one time, and the conversation was going alright. We’d traded a few messages when he sent me this:

crazy pofI almost could not get that to screen cap and those are all him. The basic gist of that message is a lot of useless information, but some other key phrases were “So far what do I think about you?” “Answers to my own questions.” “It looks like the last paragraph got cut off. Here it is, may not be word for word.”

Dude, give me a chance to ask about you and Plenty of Fish cut you off for being weird!

The best part was his in depth description of his last relationship and the reason it failed. Apparently, his girlfriend of one year had been cheated on in her two previous relationships and it damaged her ability to grow and trust in future relationships. When he asked her to see a therapist about “her wall”, she said she would and then blew him off.

Don’t worry, pal. She’s just confused at how to work that lamp in your apartment. You know, the one made of human skin.

skin suit
“But I’m wearing my best suit!”

I have not even met you!
Recently, I was messaging a guy I felt was a bit young for me (24), but this is the Midwest and Catholics are few and far between. Message number two from him included the intensely off topic “So did you get an annulment for your divorce?”

Confused Woman Viewing Computer Monitor
Wha???

I addressed the rest of the message and curtly replied that I wasn’t married in the church the first time. The next message included “What happened in your divorce if you don’t mind me asking?”

Duuuude. I don’t know your name. You cannot ask a stranger to regale you with stories of that time their ex-husband burned the house to the ground with all the pets inside! I know that’s not always the case for divorce. Even I want a brief explanation to make sure it’s not “Eh. She put on like 17 pounds. For realz.” I also don’t ask until we’ve been talking awhile and it comes up. That’s not a fucking opener! I responded with:

“I do mind. That’s a very personal question and I don’t recommend you ask it so soon if you speak to divorcees in the future. I feel like it’s too big of an issue for you to keep messaging. Best of luck, though.”

My profile also expresses my interest in guns, something boys around these parts like. Every now and then, I’ll get:

“Wanna go shooting?”

Do I want to meet up with an armed stranger and $2000 worth of guns? Um… no. Actually. I need to go. I think I… left my house on fire.

Then… there are the penises. There are men on dating sites who open with something vulgar. I once had someone include the word “pussy” in his opening line. I did not accept his offer. Then there are men who just casually bring up their junk. I had been texting one guy briefly (less than three hours) when he asked what I was looking for in a relationship. I gave him an honest answer about needing someone with a sense of humor, but who has their life together. I returned the question and got “Someone sweet, funny, intellectual, naughty, responsible and clever.”

Ummmm….

Do you think I missed that one? Double ewe tea eff, dude?

Another:

“Nice pictures! You look incredibly beautiful! I’m Michael, recently single, confident, educated, clean, honest, well endowed, lots of fun! Did you do anything fun this weekend?”

Ummmm….

Do you think I missed that one? Double ewe tea eff, dude?

I’ve also gotten the opposite, self-deprecating comments.

“I am not a very experienced lover or relationship holder.”

At least the other guys were trying to sell themselves. This reminds me of that time when I sold generic Warheads in high school with the pitch “You want to buy any of these? They taste like crap, but they made my friend’s tongue bleed.”

Sold every single one.

This is your introduction. Make it count.
Oilfieldtrash is not an appropriate screen name. Neither is anything with the number “69”. That is my very first impression of you, followed closely by scrolling down to see what you do for a living. I’m not being a snob, here. I don’t care if you make shit as a teacher. I care that you care about your career and that you have one. That being said, don’t put “I work” or “ask me” or “does it matter?” Also, actually spell shit out. Don’t tell me I look “cute n sweet”, you lazyass. Certainly don’t open with:

Him: You caught my eye. You look so cute and innocent.
Him: You look so cute and innocent too.
Me: You said that already. It was creepy then, too.

I got a message from one guy, prompting me to view his profile. He wasn’t unattractive, but didn’t have a profession listed and his entire first few paragraphs were about how none of this mattered, because women are all too shallow to get past looks.

Me: I feel like I should respond, based on your profile. You’re not unattractive, but I’m not interested because you refuse to list your profession and your profile is incredibly negative. You should revamp it to be more positive or delete the whole thing.
Him: Don’t judge me based on a rant. Get to know me.
Him: I’m a lube tech, by the way.

On what the hell am I supposed to judge you?!?!? This is the only impression I have!!!

screaming at computer

Don’t be a bag of dicks.

Him: Do you believe being divorced at 25 bodes well for future dates with you? You’re the information theorist; enlighten me please. Librarians are my choice for dates…they strike me as demure ladies in the streets but utter freaks in the sheets. True?
Me: You’re an incredibly offensive person, you live in Arkansas and you’re 102. Those things don’t bode well for YOU.

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181 thoughts on “… and then I died alone: My latest online dating pet peeves.

  1. While most of the article is a fair argument against online dating – and I should note that online dating is something that I would never endeavour to do with any serious intent – I will note that I don’t agree that people should be unfailingly positive about themselves. “Selling yourself” is a trait which I find somewhat perverse, since I respect those that know their flaws and will try to work towards fixing them than I do somebody who will only mention their “positive” aspects. That’s not confidence in my eyes; it’s arrogance, and is itself something that I find to be an unattractive trait.

    • I just think presenting yourself in a positive light is a good OPENER. I don’t think listing major flaws beyond relationship status is a great move, particularly for men ,who have more trouble getting responses and attention in online dating. I’m not saying go in and talk about how much you rock, but maybe leave out the info on how you suck in bed.

  2. Ironic! For a librarian, you certainly talk, i mean, type a lot….keep it down over there — dewey just rolled over in his grave — or urn – i aint fully sure of the actual details….

      • ’twas my pleasure, I suspect. Though one thing to add to Internet profiling of potential dates: a view into people’s brains, their psyche, etc… That is the one thing I do appreciate about speaking with people online, I can easily delineate between stupidity and intellect by how one represents themself/ves…

  3. Hahhaa oh MAN I do NOT miss online dating! Forget the fact that if you’re moderately attractive you’re going to get bombarded with messages but 99% of those messages are pervy, eye-roll material or send a misspelled, half sentence thinking you’ll actually respond. Also when I’d click on their profile just to browse, I’d get some angry message back about why I looked at their profile but didn’t message them.

    I met a couple of decent guys online and then met them in person and felt ZERO connection. I gave it a rest after it became too overwhelming to respond to all the messages.

    It’s really too much work!

    • Haha. I respond to very few messages. I’m still giving paid online dating a go, though. We’ll see where that leads.

  4. Online dating is not the way to go. I have been online dating for 2 years and it is a complete waste of time. I never found someone that was decent or that I was attracted to. I hope that you find someone that you will connect with. I had no luck. I am sending you some good luck.

  5. This was absolutely hilarious; it isn’t often that I read something that is well-written that I actually find funny. It’s refreshing to read someone else’s work who tells it like it is. I’m a guy, but there’s quite a bit in this piece that applies to my spectrum when it comes to dating as well (or maybe I’ve just been lucky to see some really strange, but entertaining things). I’ll most certainly be following your blog, and I hope that you can find the time to check out some of my stuff and see if you’re interested in following my blog as well!

    • Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m glad to hear my article has unisex appeal. I’ll make sure to check out your blog.

  6. I’m finally considering getting around to dating again and found your post absolutely hilarious and if I must admit, a bit terrifying. I hope you’ll follow it up with a few posts on the positives. It would make a great series! Wishing you all the luck in the world!

    • Online dating definitely has its perks and I have been considering a post on just that, because the jokes are so easy in the other direction, it often seems like I hate it. I do enjoy being able to know certain facts about a person right off the bat, though.

      • Tell me about it! Although I almost got to the point of rooting out the oddest people because I thought it’d make for a good story. I kind of forgot why I was dating in the first place!

    • Haha. Hopefully not TOO many, though I’m sure women are just as crazy. I did have one guy ask me EXACTLY how my political opinions were conservative, saying that he might be able to handle it, despite being super liberal since I was “easy on the eyes.” When I outlined a brief and broad explanation, I never heard from him again. I am SO on that blog. Lol.

  7. This kind of thing happens too, too much in online dating! I was thinking about deleting my OKCupid profile and then up popped my now boyfriend and we’ve been living together for just over a year :). If you find someone, it’s great and paid ones generally are better because people are more serious if they are paying for it and not just looking for a one-time thing! It usually happens when you aren’t looking for someone in my experience. So my advice is to give up and then you’re probably going to meet the best guy! Haha

    • Haha. Thank you! I love the encouraging stories I’ve been getting! I’m sticking to it and I’ve got a match membership now, but I’m definitely going in hopeful, but not betting on anything.

      • That pretty much sums it up! I make about two posts a week (sometimes one) and I’ll probably write about the several dates I’ve had this week, next week.

      • I’ll look forward to reading them! I only had two dates from online dating, both resulted in relationships. I was too reserved back then to go on dates in case I was meeting a creepy old man so I didn’t manage to go on any horrendous dates! Good luck though, hopefully one of those dates will be alright-ish!

  8. Hmm.
    Thought your article is interesting, a bit long but it hit som very good points. I am 29, a medical doctor, with a post graduate from Harvard in numbers. Some people think I am a catch, and when I go on dates they try to outdo themselves. Its really sad. All I want is someone who is simple, can live their own life, and have fun. I leave my titles at work. I am much more than my credentials. Did I end up dating a couple of creeps….absolutely! A couple still stalk, but all in all I feel that I learned something good from every one of them. Sometimes, never to date them again :-P. I hope you find someone.

    -R
    My blog is http://lizardomd.com/ if you want to connect.

    • Haha. I’m definitely still trying. It’s just that the bad stories are the best ones. I can see where you’d have a problem. I’ve had guys tell me it’s refreshing that I don’t ask how much money they make and I can only think “Who does?!?!”

      • the crazy ones are definitely the best and most memorable! I have a whole list of crazy ones. One called my mother once to complain that I didn’t pay enough attention to her. Not even sure how she got my parents number! and lets not even go into catfish stories jajajajaj

        Such is life, such an adventure! 😀

      • Haha. I was following a girl who dated online and she found someone just recently. That was encouraging.

  9. I absolutely love your posts and your page. I am also blogging about the online dating sites. It is hilarious the profiles that I come across.

    • Thank you! I’m glad you enjoy it. I’ll probably write next week about all the dates I had this week. Lol. I hesitate to call mine a dating blog, though, because I sort of just write about everything that happens to me.

      • It is very interesting and quite a life. I have not been on dates so good luck with that. I will stay tuned 🙂

  10. I stopped using OKc a few weeks ago… too many douches for my liking and one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

  11. Thanks again, great read and comments. To begin into date site was not awful. ( other than attempted scams) I mean to paint the picture of a 32 yo nearly perfectly beautiful lady attempting to approach through date site , throwing email addresses and pictures at me. Ugh,, get a life! I’m just under 60 at that time. Usually it was not difficult to make first contact and receive response so I would talk with them on the phone. Most were local and some became friends. One was not local and I was nearly certain a scam attempt. So – think time zones. If it’s late mid day here, it’s 3 am on the other side of the Earth. Again, get a life— fake picture lady—
    The simple question: would you get up at three am to send an email to someone? The good result is I eventually found the treasure connection. Good luck all

  12. And that’s why I STOPPED online dating! haha I once rejected a guy after he sent 5 emails because he wasn’t getting it and I didn’t want to block him. I was nice about it, but his response was “You’re 35, with two kids. Good luck finding a guy who will want you.” And then he followed up with “And you have a bucket list. You’re old!” Ummm. I put my age on my profile. He didn’t think I was old when he contacted me (he was 25). He got blocked.

    Anyway, thanks for the laughs! Dating is not for the faint of heart, but at least its good for a laugh or two 😀

    • Aw, lovely. I had a guy ask if I was having any luck and when I said no, he asked if it was because I was Catholic. I told him that was offensive and he asked how. When I didn’t respond, he sent me a message about how I might find someone if I wasn’t such an uptight bitch.

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  15. Love is a good thing and dating is well worth it if love can be found and deduction leads that love will never be found without dating. I write about the experiences we at one time or another shall all encounter and love, regret, remorse and hope are some of them. There is also the need to be cognizant of the pertinent social and political issues of the day. I invite you to marktone.wordpress.com and I hope that you will be moved to leave comment and though I am seriously intense, I detect that you are extremely astute and therefore your opinions would mean very much to me. I wish all the best to and for you.
    Sincerely’
    Marcus T. Tolbert

  16. Pingback: Blogiversary! | Belle of the Library

  17. Loved the post. Honestly I have never truly understood the whole online dating thing and certainly never felt moved to participate in it. Having read this really validated that whole thing for me. Thanks. 🙂

  18. Wow! Sounds like a nightmare! I want to start by telling you that I’ve never Internet dated…or dated at all really. I’m telling you this because I want to admit that I’m biased and I’ve never been in your situation…BUT still, I want to offer you a different perspective.

    Dating, especially Internet dating, is filled with expectation. For women its more about companionship and for men its more about sex. It’s this way of starting out that makes it rarely ever work. You judge each other based on the attractiveness of each others’ photos and profiles. No wonder it feels awkward!

    I know in our world it seems hard to meet people in real life situations. But I think it can be done. And I think it can be done without necessarily dating.

    Join a group of coeds (book club, hiking group, music festival, etc.) that share your interests and make friends! Find someone you genuinely like talking to and that doesn’t automatically creep on you.

    Maybe you think you don’t have time. But real love takes time. Our society is so consumed with rushing through the motions that we miss the magic of anticipation and natural chemistry.

    I think you’ll have a much better time going out with people that you have something in common with then forcing a connection online.

    That all being said, thanks for the entertainment and best of luck in your job and your search for love!

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the article, but it’s really not that bad. The bad stories are just funnier. You ought to give it a try, even.

  19. Pingback: Four Things I Hate About Online Dating. | The D-List Diaries.

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