Pinterest, I’d like a word.

Two years, y’all. That’s how long I held out on Pinterest. Two years free of the social pressure to somehow turn a stack of old notebooks and card stock into Barbie’s Dreamhouse, the materialism of IWANTTHOSEBOOTS!!!, the insanity of IWANTALLTHEPUPPIES!, and the addiction of tabbing link after link after link and organizing them into perfectly alphabetized and labeled boards while fretting over the fact that you can’t organize them by the Dewey Decimal System!!!!! Ahem… maybe that last one is just me.

Two glorious pin free years. That’s my guesstimate anyway. According to Wikipedia, August 16, 2011 was when Pinterest hit Time Magazine.* Since this is the Midwest and we just discovered Blu Ray and stopped wearing ties as belts, I’d say it’s fair to assume that’s when it hit mainstream Tumbleweed, USA… and I held out… until Jane.*

When we were in the ninth grade, Jane and I were walking down the hallway with our friend Nathan. With no prior planning and no warning, I turned to Jane and screamed in a horrified voice “ABORTION?!?!?! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?” As she stared at me, mouth gaping and eyes full of bleeding bunnies, Nathan implemented his own improv, screaming “THAT WAS MY BABY, TOO!” The teachers in the hallway eyeballed us, I assume trying to decide whether we were kidding or needed a group visit to the counselor, as Jane’s head began to pulse. Ten years. It took her ten years to plot her revenge… and she did it with Pinterest. Kudos, Jane. Kudos.

plotting revenge
Jane

The ploy was innocent enough, when I received the following text the other day.

Jane: Do you have a Pinterest? 
Me: Nope. I hate Pinterest.
Jane: Why?!?! 
Me: I don’t like the social implications and none of the crafts ever work.
Jane: False. Like 90% of them work if you follow the directions.
Me: Gail and I tried that writing on dishes thing. That DID NOT work. Honestly, though, I’ll probably get one soon since I’m not allowed to Facebook at work.

I’m a crafter y’all. I actually feel fortunate that I busted a bucket of purple paint in my storage closet two years ago, because it was on that day that I made peace with the fact that I’m not getting my deposit back. That makes the wax on the carpet, the gold paint on the counter, the blue paint on the kitchen tile, the hammer indentations on the patio, and that time the dog attacked the bathroom doorframe far less stressful. I am also, however, not all that coordinated. The last thing I need is an addiction to a website that encourages me to buy a heat gun (only $20!). I once cut my forehead with my own fork. Just last week, I gouged a piece out of my shin when I ran into the watering can on my patio. I LIVE ALONE! I’m the only one who could’ve left the watering can there! Also, I can barely keep the dog and myself alive. Why the hell do I have a watering can? Speaking of which, I realized last night that I…. well, I might have forgotten about the hot glue gun… three days ago. It’s been plugged in and hot ever since. In my defense, my apartment didn’t burn down and the last time I wasn’t living alone, my ex-husband did burn the house down. I’m still in the plus column. Anyway, not only does Pinterest literally encourage me to play with fire, it truly is terribly addictive… and we’ve been over my obsessive personality and projects.

elf eating spaghett

And, oh yeah…

Stop encouraging me to act like a crazy person!!!!

I once tried to explain to Gail how organized I wished my kids’ rooms could one day be, intentionally exaggerating.

Me: “It is going to be perfectly clear where things go. For example, the Legos go in this box, the Lincoln Logs in this one, and the Mega Bloks in this one. There is no “building toys” box. You know, like have a place for the white Barbies and a place for the black Barbies and…”
Gail: 
Me: “Wait… that’s not what I meant.”

I’m a Librarian, folks. I majored in organization. That’s not even an embellishment. I took a class titled Organization of Information and Knowledge Resources. We studied different ways to organize shit. That’s a syllabus quote. Gaily is the only person I can stand in my kitchen, because she knows where the red plates go. My dishes are organized by type and color!!!! She also knows that the DVDs are organized by format then alphabetically. She had to listen to me fret over whether or not I should put the Breaking Dawn parts 1 and 2 Blu Rays with the Blu Rays or the other Twilight Saga DVDs. Just a few weeks ago, I spent an entire day organizing my yarn by color.

crazy yarn
I used zip ties to connect those baskets to medium-sized eye hooks that I screwed into the studs. I am so not getting that deposit back.

Keep in mind, I came up with this shit on my own, long before I even had a Pinterest. Two weeks ago, I organized all of my writing utensils by type and color. I have a bucket for the permanent markers, one for the highlighters, one for the colored pens, and one for the black and blue pens because I’m crazy. I do not need pictures like this fueling me:

organizationWhere can I get that board?!?!?

No one knows what words mean. 

Word: easy

There are entire websites dedicated to Pinterest fails. I think the problem arises when people with basic skills in a craft, give tips to people with NO skills. For example…

cupcake icing
A beginner can do this.”

hair
“Easy hairstyles…”

nails
“It’s so easy!”

Word: recipe
I’ve seen people sharing recipes on Facebook, after finding them on Pinterest. I may not actually be capable of cooking many things (unless you count salting Easy Mac), but I did get my bachelor’s degree in Family and Consumer Sciences, or home-ec as everyone knows it, so I can say the following for certain: adding cream cheese to the directions on the back of the box is not a recipe!

fat people in wall-e

Word: repurpose
There are some really cool repurposed items on Pinterest, usually furniture.

car pool table repurposed piano

Both of those fit the definition of:

RE·PUR·POSE
/rēˈpərpəs/
Verb
Adapt for use in a different purpose

Even if that crib still totally looks like a crib, if it’s being used as a writing desk now, it’s been repurposed.

repurposed keys lol
These keys haven’t been repurposed. They’re still keys. They’ve just been painted.
repurposed dresser lol
This dresser is still being used for storage. There’s just a T.V. on it now.
repurposed t-shirt lol
This t-shirt isn’t being repurposed. It’s just old.
The words they’re looking for are:
RE·FUR·BISH
/riˈfərbiSH/
Verb
Renovate and redecorate (something, esp. a building).

and…

RE·CY·CLE
/rēˈsīkəl/
Veb
1. Convert (waste) into reusable material.
2. Return (material) to a previous stage in a cyclic process.

Oh, the judgy.

You know how Gaily’s head explodes if you mention that men and women are different or dare suggest they have any varying skills or capabilities? Well, if you’ve been following my blog long, you know I have my own rage-inducing button and when I searched for “divorce” on Pinterest, it was pressed, as it was preceding the writing of Toasters, Marriage, and the Good Ol’ DaysDivorce is not an option… you know… until it is, and my personal favorite Your ONLY marriage? Why didn’t I think of that?

offensive divorce quote 1 offensive divorce quote

Oh, em jingles. Aren’t you the blessed martyr for never wondering where your grandma’s jewelry went or waking up cuddling a .357 like it was a fucking teddy bear? Also, what exactly qualifies The Fresh Prince of Bel Air to give marital advice?!?!?! One of the leading causes of divorce is financial strife and I’m pretty sure the man’s bank account looks like the vault of Scrooge McDuck. 

Divorce is not an option until it fucking is and you don’t know anyone else’s pain, bitch.

Kelly Winter assault case child abuse

How’s about you pin them apples? How’s about you pin a picture of my baby beagle’s blood-soaked paws when I came home from vacation and my ex-husband had him tied to the wall in a puddle of his own waste without food or water and he tried to dig through the fucking floor?!?!?!  Also, um, while your mouth’s flapping open, could you do me a favor and suck my big fat furry dick?!?! 

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I WISH I had married Lord Voldemort. I did’t get a divorce. I got a fucking exorcism and don’t you dare talk down to me about that fact after four days of wedding planning.

Presenting…. MY FIRST UPLOADED PIN!

until it is

Feel free to follow me, Belle Roquemore, under the email address belleofthelibrary@gmail.com. http://pinterest.com/belleroquemore/

I’ll be busy hammering nails into a wooden plank for string art in the meantime.

elephant string art

Fucking Jane.

jane on pinterest

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinterest#History

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29 thoughts on “Pinterest, I’d like a word.

  1. Hahaaaa you’re amazing, I’ve been thinking about starting using pinterest properly (having had an account for a year) but perhaps now I’ll be thinking twice. I always knew those hairstyles couldn’t be as easy as they make out…

  2. Pinterest is terribly addicting! I am planning an upcoming move and I (IN ERROR) created a pinterest board devoted to Things I will Need to Buy for my First Studio (y’know, like trash cans and shower curtains) and it has devolved into ALL THE ANTIQUES and ALL THE WALL HANGINGS and oh god, I’m re-addicted to pinterest.

    PS: totally following you.

    • Haha. Well, a COUPLE of things work. I’m about to attempt a candle project. I’m sure it’ll be a disaster.

      • I’d imagine it’s probably not a good idea for public discourse. Especially if you work in a library (unless you’re discussing the Canterbury Tales).

  3. OH dear lordy, but that site is the old fashioned local fair gone global. Where the women of a given local would have competitions for who could make the best Victoria sponge cake, or embroider the best whatever, have the bonnieiest baby.
    This site was designed by the type of mindset that either doesn’t get that women will compete with each other or gets it only too too well. Anywoo, I’m off to chop down some trees. Just looking at that site caused a clinical drop in testosterone.

    I’m not sure how to broach this next bit. So I’m just going to jump in.
    A break-up is traumatic. A bad break-up is vastly more so. But a bad break up of a marriage is something that generates PTSD. And should be treated in more or less the same way. If your health insurance provider covers you, you should take yourself off to the best therapist in your region you can afford/insurance pays. But remember you may not find the one you need first fellow/lass you visit. And by need I mean, you know yourself, what and who can guide you. You may well be one who hates taking suggestions from a woman/man and are immediately hostile/irritated/what-have-you to the point this gets in your way. You may need a personality who allows you to delicately explore or someone who can ‘call you’ on prevarications.
    Just keep in mind 95% of man aren’t saints, but by the same token 95% aren’t devils either. You just happened to land a pretty rancid one.
    Think on this scenario, a couple in a kitchen, the woman bending over something when her man gives her a swat on her tailend. There is a gamut in there, running from Fun, and a precursor to a night of deep passion to pure terror that freezes the blood.

    • Oh, I thank you for your advice, but I’m more or less okay after two and a half years. I was just making a point that it’s not fair to judge anyone else’s trauma. Yes, though, immediately after (maybe up to a year) therapy would’ve done me well. I was too busy with two jobs and school to attempt it at the time, so now I just write about it .Thank you for your concern, though.

  4. Absolutely great blog post you have here. If you intend to write a book, you may very well have a format using the following example:
    Word: Born
    The protagonist in this novel was born in Spain. She did not stay there. She moved to Milwaukee when she was three years old. But that is a whole other story.

    You could write your entire book using the definitions as the scenes of the novel.
    Any way, love your blog.

  5. That screengrab of the texts is just the perfect way to wrap up this rant. And I love your nit-picky examination of words on Pinterest. It’s a flawed site, fo sho, but certainly not gonna stop me from following you! 😀

  6. I LOOOOOOOOOVE your sense of humor and your ability to share it here. When are you coming out with a book? I want to get in line first!

    • Aw, thank you sooo much. I really appreciate the compliment! I actually would love to write a book one day in the spirit of David Sedaris or Jenny Lawson.

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