The Time I Wasn’t Overreacting: Update on Stabby McStabberson

So last week, I had a pretty terrifying online dating experience… or at least I was pretty sure it qualified as one, when I wrote The Time I Almost Got Shankraped by Online Dating. Bee tea double ewe, the day someone slips “shankraped” into casual conversation or a presidential speech, you heard it here first, so you’re welcome.

As my original post indicated, I immediately called Gaily and told her everything. As is her way, she flipped the fuck out and started talking about protection orders and staying at her house for a little while.

I figured it was all good, though. I mean, surely he didn’t think I was interested after all of that awkwardness, right? Then I got a message on Plenty of Fish, after I deleted my OKCupid account.

05-01-15 1

“A little while back”?!?! Dude, this was two fucking days later!

Okay. So he didn’t understand it the first time. There’s no way he could’ve missed the point after that message. Until he did. Unfortunately, I don’t have that screenshot, because I was so freaked out that I immediately blocked him and the message was erased. It went a little something like this, though:

Stabby McStabberson: “Hey, I can’t read your message for some reason. Just text me and maybe we can get to know each other a little better.”

Shetland’s not Mayberry, y’all, but it’s not exactly Chicago either. I could see this guy anywhere, but most especially at my gym. So, I was literally shaking with fear… hence the typos when I responded.

05-01-15 2He “dropped the whole thing awhile ago.” I mean, sure I’d gotten that message, literally 20 minutes earlier, but that was “awhile ago.” I am soooo sorry, Stabby McStabberson, for making you uncomfortable. I’m aware that my response was aggressive and downright mean, but I was terrified and I wanted a response to clarify that he understood. I was way beyond letting him save face, at this point. Perhaps he was less crazy and just not that bright, but it’s also not like a dimwitted man can’t still skin me and wear me.

I tried to be polite and subtle. I tried to be polite and direct. Both attempts failed. So for now, it seems that Leatherface considers me a complete bitch, which is fine by me… as long as he doesn’t seek revenge. Keep an eye out for that news story, though.

That Time I Died Alone: Screenshots That Were Worth Saving

With Christmas break coming up and a good chunk of my income coming from substitute teaching (all I want for Christmas is a full time librarian position, yo), I’ve had to work a lot lately. Fortunately for me, my jobs are pretty pathetically first world. Don’t get me wrong. It takes a lot of energy to not cry after giving a technology class to a dozen elderly people, when you expected maybe half that.

The effort required however, is all cerebral and emotional. I’m patiently (and awkwardly) waiting for this woman to stop yelling at her husband for touching her iPad, not hauling oats. You see that, there? Hauling oats. That’s the first example of physical labor that came to mind, because the majority of my jobs involve sitting. This is good news, of course. My daddy climbs poles for a living and like all southern men, my brother works on oil sites. They spend all day in the freezing cold. I went outside for three minutes the other day and I felt like I was being peeled. 

Everything hurts and I’m going to die.

While the library certainly requires a significant amount of mental exertion and emotional control, I can’t really say the same for substitute teaching. Sure, the administration tells us our job is important, but at the high school level, I am a glorified babysitter. Like with any babysitting job, boundaries have to be set and many, many people don’t make it that far, but I’ve been doing this for five years. Those kids know me. They know what they can and cannot get away with, so it is a really bad day when I have to do anything beyond sit there… and that is dull. So it was, that I decided to delete some photos on my phone yesterday, starting with the screenshots folder. That’s when I realized what wonderful online dating gems I’ve screen capped over the last several months, to send to Gail and Catherine. Now, I share these with my dear (somewhat neglected, lately [promise to remedy that]) readers. While I try to be direct in my online dating encounters, I generally avoid straight rudeness unless the comment is offensive or sexual in nature. After that, it’s fair game.

ladybugs

He’s either got a great sense of humor… or a dungeon. Who wants to roll the dice?!?!

ian

Awww. He came with a sermon on the dangers of… technology?

jeremy

gaston

“How can you read this? There’s no pictures!”

deer head

“You wanna come home with my friend and I? He’s really into ladybugs and we share a dung-… I mean… studio.”

cody

He had sent me a copy and pasted message of this a week or two earlier. Instead of being direct, I’d just encouraged conversation, because I thought it would be funny to waste his time, since he didn’t even bother to read my very short profile, which answered his question. When I clarified that, no, I would not be letting him lick my lady bits, he told me I was confused and should be on Christian Mingle.

sexy legs

The response for when “inappropriate and weird” doesn’t cut it.

proposal

“Who wants to get shankraped?!?! Anyone?”

confused guy 2

SOMEONE had to tell him… clearly… and I felt I was really quite nice in doing so.

ew 2

I… um. No.

dog

Dude. That actually is pretty clever. I totally felt guilty for rejecting that dog. Also, if she stops responding on one dating site, it’s probably best not to track her down on another and ask why.

open minded

“You’ve made your values and deal breakers clear. I don’t think any of those things are important, but if you want to take the bait when I imply you’re close-minded for meaning them, I wouldn’t mind seeing you naked while you prove me wrong. Oh, yeah… thus.”

married

“I’m cheating. You up for that?”

34

No, really. There’s a character limit on Tinder profiles. It’s not that long and specifically mentions Jesus and love and no hookups. Also, the cut off for using the phrase “fwb” was two years ago… for me.

butt

Dude. Fucking marry me.

“I’m sorry I asked for detailed information on your sex life before meeting. Lol.”

facepalm bear

Motherfucker, I am bad at this.

Not just like a little bad. Like a lot bad.

I met Teacher on OKCupid. He’s a choir teacher and that’s super gay, but I’m aware that I’m being judgemental and stereotyping with said assessment. I’m trying really hard to knock it off with having a “type.” I mean, I think it’s important to have something in common with anyone I date, but I’m a varied and complex person. I’m also not narcissistic enough to think I’m the only one out there. I like to shoot pink guns, but I also went to Batman Live alone, because no one would go with me. I have a dear affection for Disney on Ice and regularly use the words “snazzy” and “keen”. There’s also the little detail about majoring in books. Who’s to say the nerdy girl is any less significant than the country girl? So, I put aside my snobbery and responded when Teacher messaged. Overall, he seems like a pretty nice guy. I was even able to check online and see that he actually works at the middle school he named. But I was still hung up on one little detail from his profile:

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
I have Dom tendencies.

bdsm

Yes, yes, I am, indeed, going to end up in Tupperware for the fact that I would respond in the first place, but that phrase could mean a multitude of things, from “I like to be in control in bed” to “How’s that ball gag feel? What? I can’t hear you, because of the ball gag, bitch!” Now, I’m pretty inexperienced, since my ex-husband was morbidly obese, which limited the positions possible, and never wanted to have sex. I also, however, know that I like when the guy takes control, so I’m fine with the first option and that’s what I was thinking in the beginning of my correspondance with Teacher. He also hasn’t asked me a single inappropriate question or implied that he expects anything from me, so I’ve continued texting him. We were supposed to meet Friday, but I got busy talking to tech support about my Gramma’s broken T.V. (that I bought her for Christmas) while she was hilariously and uncharacteristically ungrateful.

Me: “Well, I got a new book loaded on your Nook, at least.”
Gramma: “Yeah, well I’d prefer to have my T.V. working!”
Me: “I had a date tonight, Gramma. I canceled to deal with this.”
Gramma: “Oh, bull. You did not.”
Me: laughingly “Okay.”
Gramma: “Oh, you did not.”
Me: “Okay, Gramma. I love you.”

angry old lady
I didn’t even try to convince her, because she’d be even more upset that I just murdered all of her future great grandchildren and it wouldn’t change anything. Teacher was really understanding about my flakiness, though, so I still didn’t have an excuse to stop speaking to him. Damn it. Gail and I had Easter breakfast and I told her that I was considering “pulling a Belle” and just ending all communication without an explanation, because of the Dom comment.

Me: “It freaks me out.”
Gail: “It freaks you out, even though you’re into it?”
Me: “I’m not into that.”
Gail: “You’re into that a little.”

Good point. Teacher had wished me a happy Easter far too early in the morning and I hadn’t responded. After time with family, setting up my Gramma’s new T.V. with much more gratitude (Wal-Mart did let her return it), and amounts of chocolate that would kill Willy Wonka, I went home and crashed. I woke to a text from Teacher asking how my Easter was. Ugh. This guy will not give me a legitimate reason to act like a dick! He didn’t text at all Saturday, texted once Sunday morning in a way that required no response, and still sent a text asking about my holiday when I didn’t respond, hours later. I can neither accuse him of being annoyingly clingy, nor can I claim he’s not interested either. DAMN IT!

screaming at phone

I responded and viewed his profile again. That’s when I saw this question:

If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.

Teacher’s response was no, with the explanation “I am a Dom.” Okay. He’s not really responsible for that question. OKCupid brought it up. I read into shit, though. I’ve written multiple blogs overanalyzing fiction. I’m also not-so-secretly looking for a reason to sabotage all possible relationships, because I am the White Witch of Narnia.

white witch

“Dom tendencies” and “I am a Dom” resonated completely differently with me, even though that could just be taken as an explanation for why he wouldn’t be interested in a submissive activity. Naturally, I texted Gail, because I have no idea what the fuck I am doing and can’t choose a brand of shampoo without her input.

Gail: Ask what that entails. And you should be nice even if it’s super weird.
Me: You’re trying to get me killed.

Gail was shocked when I told her I’d actually asked, because she really was expecting me to pull a Belle and just drop of the face of the earth. My only other female friend, Niki, told me to tell him I had cancer and was dying. Thank you! That’s more my speed and there’s a reason she’s one of two vaginas with whom I’ll associate with any regularity.

So I asked Teacher what “Dom tendencies” meant with no lead up at all. His answer basically told me that he doesn’t know what the word “Dom” means and he just likes to be in control and handcuffs could be fun. That’s cool with me. Collars, not so much. He also asked why I was asking so suddenly, which… yeah. Who asks that with no context? Sending Gail screen caps, I relayed my response to her:

Because there’s a question that asks about collars and that freaks me out. Like, the guy being in control doesn’t, but like… well collars. You seem nice, but that’s extreme.

Gail supplied me with her translation: “you seem weird, but it’d be nice if you’d prove otherwise.” I’d already sent the worst save ever.

Like, for me, I mean. More power to the rest of the world. I don’t care what they do.

cat facepalm

His response was as normal and nice as could be in this situation, and he explained that he would never do something that made his partner uncomfortable and that that was ages away and we should probably meet first. I apologized for asking and told him that it had just made me nervous.

I’m sorry I asked for detailed information on your sex life before meeting. Lol.

Again, he was really nice and said it didn’t bother him and he asked what else was making me uncomfortable. I ignored the question and made a joke about how I needed to stop reading the sex questions. He said he hoped he hadn’t scared me off. I was feeling really awkward and started rambling via text. Oh, yeah. That’s a thing.

No, it’s okay. That’s why I asked. And your answer was super not creepy. Lol. Gail and I used to look at the Craiglist personals, because they’re funny and the people who used the word Dom generally weren’t meaning such a mild version.

they were descriptive. And terrifying. Maybe I should stop doing that.

It’s alright to pretend I never asked if you had a woman in your dungeon.

SHUT-UP, BELLE! SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP!!!!!

He asked a quick, undetailed question about my preferences and I said I was inexperienced, but not prude. Then he changed the subject, because everyone on the planet is better at this crap than I am.

I’ll continue to try and find flaws with Teacher that will justify my ditching him. If I can’t do so by Friday, I’ll meet him in person… then I’ll surely find something… because I want to die alone.

die alone